wage slave (repeat until dead)

when I forget myself and what matters to me so I can make money
when I violate my essence for material ends
when I push myself away for the sake of a job
when I let fear drive my decisions
I never get to keep what I’ve gained materially
ever.

I’ve tried for years to walk a middle path
between living and making a living
but sooner or later
in every job
I begin to lose myself in the daily stream of
phony crises and real compromises
over time
I become someone else
I change
my words
my posture
even my thoughts.

here’s a typical workday
no matter how good I’m feeling in the morning
no matter how peaceful or centered
when I sit down in that chair in my cubicle for the first time
my energy immediately plummets
my body sinks into the floor
my mind falls into work sleep
next thing I know
I’m a beast again
driving home like a crazy man
getting pissed off at everyone
everywhere
for everything
for nothing
heart like a rock
a werewolf on wheels
race home
eat pizza
watch tv
zone out
fall asleep
wake up
do it again
repeat until dead.

eventually
the part of me that’s being pushed down always fights back
one way or another
and the whole situation collapses
either from within or without
and I’m free again
for a while
until all that money I bled to make
drips away
then it’s time to find
yet another job
and spend my days in
yet another place
where my reality
what I value and know to be true for me
doesn’t seem to count for anything.

having to surrender my reality and forget who I am to survive
is exactly what I experienced as a child
it makes me feel crazy and depressed and isolated and rejected and powerless
and it is
above all else
very familiar.

(PDF version)

The wage slave (repeat until dead) by Rick Belden, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.