My poem “absolute zero” is the featured “Poem of the Issue” in this week’s edition of The Austin Chronicle. This one has its origins in a journal entry from early 1989 which was forgotten and then rediscovered in October 2010 when I was working on the Iron Man Family Outtakes project. I can’t remember now in what state of completion this piece was when I found it, but I don’t think I had to do a whole lot of work to finish it.

I have extremely vivid memories of writing many of my poems: what was going on for me in that moment, the time, place, circumstances, etc. For others (like this one), I can’t recall much more than a general context and a time frame. Then there are those pieces, some of which are quite significant, for which I have no recollection whatsoever of the process of creation after some time has passed. Why I would remember writing some so well and others not at all has always been a mystery to me.

As I’ve been reading this one right now, it seems to me that it started with me feeling like I was too blocked to write anything (first two lines), which is kind of ironic in retrospect. I toss off a few lines in a journal, forget about them, and 22 years later I have a published poem. What a crazy, mysterious, unpredictable process this is.

* My video poem “secret children”.

* My video poem “falling though” with my accompanying written commentary about my fear of feeling and expressing grief and sadness.

* My poem “use everything” (video version is available here).

For a complete listing of all of my work on the Good Men Project site, you can visit my author page at http://goodmenproject.com/author/rick-belden.

Sadness scares me. Grief, the experience of grief and grieving, scares me. But I also know that grieving, that being with grief and sadness, is one of the most powerful and effective ways of being with and transforming pain. When I let my grief and my sadness speak, when I allow those energies to stir in my belly and my chest, to move up through my heart and my throat, to enter the world as tears and moans and sobbing and wailing, I am cleansed. I am lifted. I can see again. I feel real again. Human.

But entering that process is challenging for me. It’s tricky. Sensitive. I almost have to be taken by surprise. Like so many men, I’ve been conditioned not to feel such things (not directly anyway) and certainly not to express them, not even privately. The messages are clear: “Be a real man. Take charge. Control yourself. Don’t cry. Be tough. Don’t be a wimp.” If you are a man who is suffering, keep it to yourself. If you have to feel something, feel angry. Anger is manly and therefore safe to feel. Grief and sadness are not.

Grief work is hard for many of us as men, and so much has to be learned (and unlearned) in order to do it. You have to be tough and soft at the same time, and you have to be present with what you’re feeling without losing yourself in the intensity of it. It’s not easy. Healing is not for wimps. The real tough guys are the ones who can do the work …

You can read the full article at:

http://goodmenproject.com/guy-talk/healing-is-not-for-wimps

WAKING UP: Men Reclaiming Our Inspiration

Would the boy you once were be inspired by the man you’ve become? – Nic Askew

This 12-meeting study and process group for men will explore the pathway to discovering our masculine gifts, and offering those gifts through our relationships, families, friendships and work. The group will be a place of refuge, challenge and acceptance where members will engage with new ideas about relating to ourselves, our partners and families, and our work in the world. As a process group, we will look at our interactions within the group as a reflection of our interactions with the world. As a working group, we will support each other in identifying and working through the challenges which keep us from living our lives more fully.

The primary work in meetings will be the focus on consciously finding our right relationship with ourselves, our lives, and each other. We will look at physical, spiritual, emotional, sexual, and psychological ways of offering our gifts to the world, and pathways to doing that. The group will do a small amount of reading each week from writings by David Deida, Rick Belden, Chogyam Trungpa and others to open up new areas for exploration of our full role in the world. We will explore mindfulness, and use this skill to explore barriers to true engagement with ourselves and our world.

This group will be comprised of six members and two leaders. All members will commit for the duration of the group. (It is understood that absences are unavoidable at times.) During the group, the leaders will offer experiential training on what is needed to develop and maintain an effective on-going, self-sustaining group. If there is interest, the foundation of this subsequent group will be established from interested men in the group with the support and consultation of the group leaders. After the initial stages of the new group, leaders will be available in a consultative capacity as needed.

Details
When: 5:30 – 7:00pm on Wednesdays beginning August 31 and ending November 16
Where: Sol Associates, 3400 Kerbey Lane
Group leaders: Steve Milan, LCSW and Rupesh Chhagan, LAc
Cost: $50 per session payable at the start of each month. Discount available if paid in full in advance. If finances are the only barrier to joining, please contact us to discuss accommodations based on need.

Please call Steve at 589-5164 or Rupesh at 917-3404 to sign up or to get more information.

Signing Up: Anyone interested in participating must meet with Steve or Rupesh once before the group starts to assure that the goals of the group are clear, and that this group is an appropriate venue for this work. There is no cost for this meeting.

This is a great opportunity for men in the Austin area who are ready to explore the possibilities of deeper relationship with self and others in a safe, supportive environment, and I’m honored that some of my work will be included as a resource.

My poem “reverie” is the featured “Poem of the Issue” in this week’s edition of The Austin Chronicle. This one is just about a month old, although I actually started it in January 2010. Started it, got stuck, forgot about it, and then picked it back up and finished it about 18 months later. Very unusual for me to do that. Usually, if I don’t wrap ‘em up within a day or two, the moment passes and that’s the end of it.

I’ve been thinking recently about the deficiency of appropriate, effective male mentoring in my life and how it’s affected me. I’m 52 and it’s still affecting me, just as it’s affected me at every stage of my life. There’s a huge hole in my life where my father should have been (and still should be), but as big as that hole is, it’s merely the center of a much larger hole, the product of a male culture that is woefully inadequate to meet the true needs of men and boys …

The link for the article is:

http://mankindprojectjournal.org/2011/06/5779

A second article of mine entitled “My Life with Iron Man” was also published on The ManKind Project Journal website last month. The article is located at:

http://mankindprojectjournal.org/2011/06/my-life-with-iron-man

“My Life with Iron Man” was originally published on the Masculinity Movies website in October 2010 in conjunction with my review of the movie Iron Man.

http://goodmenproject.com/fathers-day/broken-bones-and-the-father-wound

This article is an updated version of a blog post I originally wrote in November 2009 while recuperating from a broken shoulder and wrist. Many thanks to the folks at the Good Men Project for including it in their Father’s Day 2011 series.

I wrote “secret children” just about 20 years ago and knew I had something of universal significance in my hands, but I couldn’t get anybody to look at it. I really couldn’t get anyone to look at anything I’d written at that point. Discouraged, I put “secret children” away and more or less forgot about it until I started writing again in 2008. Quite a long wait, to be sure, but it’s finally getting out there.

On Sunday, April 10, Mike will facilitate a one-day recovery group workshop for male survivors of sexual child abuse. Mike describes the workshop as follows:

This group workshop is for non-offending adult male survivors of child sexual abuse. Our goal is to offer a safe, encouraging, respectful environment of shared healing for men who have experienced the pain and shame of being sexually abused in childhood.

For complete details, click here to view a printable PDF version of the flyer for the event.

Mike’s time in Austin will also include a one-day professional training entitled “Working with Male Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse” on Saturday, April 9. Information for that event is available at:

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=124953380907641

Mike Lew has worked with thousands of men and women in their healing from the effects of childhood sexual abuse, rape, physical violence, emotional abuse, and neglect. The development of strategies for recovery from incest and other abuse, particularly for men, has been a major focus of his work as a counselor and group leader. He conducts public lectures, workshops for survivors, and trainings and consultations for mental health, medical, human service, clergy, law enforcement, and other professionals throughout the United States and Canada and in Europe, Australia, and New Zealand.

You can find out more about Mike and his work at Next Step Counseling. His full schedule of events for 2011 is available at:

http://www.nextstepcounseling.org/upcomingevents2.htm

My poem “winter prayer (solstice 2010)”, written and posted here on the blog a mere ten days ago, is the featured “Poem of the Issue” in this week’s edition of The Austin Chronicle. Now that’s what I call a quick turnaround from creation to publication! Click on the image above to see the poem as it appears in the print edition of the Chron.

I’m especially pleased to see “party girl dance” posted. It’s one of only three poems I’ve written in 2010 and one of only five I’ve written since breaking my right wrist and shoulder (my writing arm) in October 2009. The last eleven months have been pretty tough for me as a writer (and as a person), and there haven’t been very many moments during that time when I’ve felt that mystery element at work in me that I have to feel in order to write a poem.

Back in January 2009, I wrote, “Writing, for me, has always had the qualities of a trance, a charm, a spell.” The fall I took eleven months ago broke more than my wrist and my shoulder. It also broke the trance, the charm, the spell that had enabled me to write the Scapegoat’s Cross manuscript (and numerous additional poems) during the previous twelve months after not writing even one line of poetry in over fifteen years. Truth be told, it broke my heart a little bit, too. Well … a lot. And I’m still working on that.

So yeah, I’m very happy to see one of the few little gems that have emerged from me during this time get some visibility. It means a lot, and it helps me heal a little, too.

Material from Iron Man Family Outing and Scapegoat’s Cross will be used in the group as follows:

The group will do a small amount of reading each week from writings by David Deida, Rick Belden, Chogyam Trungpa and others as a starting point for seeing our full role in the world. We will explore mindfulness, and use this skill to explore barriers to authentic engagement with ourselves and our world.

I’m honored that some of my work will be included as a resource and encourage men in the Austin area to consider what they might gain from participating in this group experience.

For full details about the group, click here. For additional information, contact group leader Steve Milan.

Update (09/19/10): The start date for the group has been postponed two weeks. It is now scheduled to begin on September 29. Contact Steve Milan if you’re interested in finding out more.

The audio version of the interview is available from a number of sources, including the “More” page on my website, as well as:

The Secret Lives of Men at BlogTalkRadio

The Secret Lives of Men on iTunes

In the Media: The Secret Lives of Men on the APA Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity Division 51 website

There’s a lot of good material in the transcript, but there’s one section I’d like to reproduce here because I think I did a pretty good job of articulating my approach, my motivations, and my intentions with regard to my book, Iron Man Famly Outing, and more generally, to my work and writing as a whole. Here’s what I said during my conversation with Dr. Blazina:

“I think it’s important to talk just a little bit about the reasons why I felt that it was important to put this material out.

“The book is basically structured as a progression through a series of different experiences and emotional and psychological states. And so there is, in some sense, there’s a flow from beginning to end there, and I think that when people read (the book) they see it. It might be a little different than other poetry books, in that really the poems actually are very interrelated, and they work with one another to tell the story.

“And for me, it’s the story of a period in my life that was highly transformational. And I had the sense, as I began to pull this all together, that this might actually be useful to other men as a pattern or a template or a map to kind of go into their own processes a little bit more deeply, and to give them some reference points in terms of feeling, in terms of developing a relationship where they get information from their bodies and their dreams, and to really give other people, men in particular, permission to open up to this stuff and share it with other people, at least with people that they’re close to, that they feel safe with.

“I was really moved to do a lot of this because I’d been in men’s groups and I’d seen men talk about things in ways that I’d never seen men talk before. I had close friends, we never talked like that, we never shared our emotions with one another. It wasn’t safe to do it. So I was really inspired by that, and my first purpose in doing this book was to open a window into my own process and complete the process for myself, but the larger purpose is to give the opportunity, the permission, and as I said, maybe a pattern or a template or a map for other men that feel ready to go a little deeper into themselves and find out what’s there …

“Really, I guess what I would say is that, in probably the most elemental way, the book is about progressing toward, not so much a resolution … it’s not a how-to book … it’s more about progressing toward a greater understanding, a greater awareness.”

It’s a little rough, but if I had to come up with a mission statement for Iron Man Family Outing, for my writing, and for myself, that would be pretty damn close.

I attended three breakout sessions:

- “Men in Therapy – Live Demonstration” presented by Dr. Jon Carlson
- “Deepening Group Therapy with Men” presented by Dr. Fred Rabinowitz
- “Engaging Men in Therapy” presented by Dr. Matt Englar-Carlson and Dr. Mark Stevens

Every one of these sessions was very useful to me in terms of advancing my understanding of myself and my own process, as well as deepening my knowledge and appreciation of the experiences and processes of other men. All of the presenters were knowledgeable, articulate, friendly, and accessible, establishing and maintaining an easy, open rapport with the room that made each presentation feel like a collaborative experience between the presenter and the attendees.

I think perhaps the most important aspect of attending this event for me was connecting with some of the presenters and other attendees. There are so many days when I feel isolated with the work I’m doing as a writer and I find myself feeling like I’m all alone with it. Spending five days a week sitting in a cubicle at my day job, doing work that means nothing to me but a paycheck, often leads me to question just how “real” my work as a writer really is. I wonder if it matters. I wonder if I’m kidding myself. I wonder if I’ll ever get out of that stinking cubicle and make a living doing something that actually moves me. Even now, right now, I’m looking at the clock and seeing that I’m going to be late for work this morning. To hell with it. I’m gonna finish this post.

This conference was, in many ways, an oasis for me. I was able to see the work I’m doing in the larger context of the work being done by so many others, and I was able to do more than see it. I was able to feel it. It was physical for me again. I knew I was not alone, I knew that what I’m doing does matter, even if my daily life in the cubicle tells me it doesn’t, and I knew this not just in my mind, but in my body. I knew it in my muscles and in my bones and in my belly, in my hands and in my heart. I hope to carry that feeling, that knowledge, that physical experience of knowing, forward with me as I make my return this morning into the gray world in which I make my living.

I’d like to express my gratitude to conference organizers Aaron Rochlen and Sam Buser, and all the others who were involved, for doing an absolutely fantastic job of planning, coordinating, and executing this event. What a great experience!

Material from Iron Man Family Outing and Scapegoat’s Cross will be used in the group as follows:

The group will do a small amount of reading each week from writings by David Deida, Rick Belden, Chogyam Trungpa and others as a starting point for seeing our full role in the world. These writings have very different takes on the journey, and we will work with their ideas to find our own path.

This is a great opportunity for men who are ready to explore the possibilities of deeper relationship with self and others in a safe, supportive environment, and I’m honored that some of my work will be included as a resource.

For full details about the group, click here. For additional information, contact group leader Steve Milan.

Update (05/26/10): I received an email from Steve Milan this week announcing that this group is full and he is now in the process of forming a second. Here’s the message from Steve:

I’m again happy to announce that our first summertime Living Fully As Man group which I announced two weeks ago is full and we had some additional interest, so I am looking at adding a second group (co-led this time by Shelley Imholte, LMSW) …

Our second group will start in one or two weeks depending on how long it takes us to get enough participants. This second group will take place from 7:30 until 9PM, also on Wednesday nights. It will be 9 or 10 sessions long with the final meeting on August 4th …

I have led a similar group in the past with Shelley, and she is quite a courageous woman and talented therapist. She was well accepted and appreciated by the group members, and the work was astounding.

Please contact group leader Steve Milan or co-leader Shelley Imholte if you’re interested in joining the group or need more information.

Dr. Blazina and Dr. McKelley devoted about five minutes of the program to a discussion of their recollections of my interview and their reflections on the material in my book. Here are a few excerpts from their comments:

Dr. McKelley: “The thing that struck me about it was his ability to translate what I think are some extremely complex emotional experiences, whether it’s abuse and some of the stuff he gets into, and (he) does it through poetry and does it in a meaningful way that I think many men struggle to put into words. And they aren’t necessarily these huge, long scripts and narratives. They’re just really clear, and simple in a very profound way of communicating some of these experiences that he went through.”

Dr. Blazina: “My recollection from the program is that Rick shared one of his poems (‘little iron man’) on air, and I remember him reading it, and I remember him finishing up, and I just felt this kind of thud. It was so powerful, and so … it really was raw, and it was raw in a way that I think most men can relate to. It touches them. It hits a core about their sense of masculinity and what that means in different areas of work and love. So I remember Rick’s work being really powerful.”

Dr. McKelley: “It’s accessible, more than anything. Through the ages, you’ve got writers writing about all kinds of human experiences, and a lot of it is, quite frankly, difficult to read. And I think you can sit down, it doesn’t matter who you are, you can sit down with it and I think at least one of the (poems), I forget how many, there are scores of them, I think at least one of them can touch you, they’re written in a way that you can really connect with. So the accessibility, I think, really stood out.”

The Secret Lives of Men is an excellent source of information for anyone with an interest in men and masculine psychology. Dr. Blazina’s guest list includes men and women whose diverse backgrounds and wide range of specialties and interests provide listeners with a unique opportunity to gain new insights into the male experience. Program archives are located at a number of sources, including:

The Secret Lives of Men at BlogTalkRadio

The Secret Lives of Men on iTunes

In the Media: The Secret Lives of Men on the APA Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity Division 51 website

I encourage everyone to have a listen.

On a related note, I’m in the process of transcribing Dr. Blazina’s September 2009 interview with me and hope to have it ready to post here on the blog and on my website within the next month or so.

Update (08/01/10): The transcript for my interview with Dr. Blazina is now available as a PDF file by clicking here. For my companion blog post summarizing some of the highlights of the interview, click here.

Additional information, including registration info and a full conference brochure/schedule, is available at the conference website.

BEING MAN (click here for details)
Group leader: Steve Milan, LCSW
Group Co-Leader: Shelley Imholte, LMSW

LIVING FULLY AS MAN (click here for details)
Group leader: Steve Milan, LCSW
Assistant leader: Rupesh Chhagan

Material from Iron Man Family Outing and Scapegoat’s Cross will be used in both groups as follows:

The group will do a small amount of reading each week from writings by David Deida, Rick Belden, Chogyam Trungpa and others as a starting point for seeing our full role in the world. These writings have different takes on the journey of being, and we will work with these alternative perspectives to find our own path.

These groups are a great opportunity for men who are looking to move forward into deeper relationship with self and others, and I’m honored that some of my work will be included as a resource.

What is Iron Man Family Outing?

“It only makes sense in the moment.”

go crazy or starve

poetry, dreams, and the body

the body is the gateway

wrestling with angels / writing like a demon

the forty day prayer

Iron Man Family Artifacts

Previewing my new book: Scapegoat’s Cross

Two years ago today …

Featured guest on The Secret Lives of Men

a writer who cannot write

dead flowers in the garden – then and now

D.H. Lawrence – “Healing”

broken bones and the father wound

“poetry for men” and other problematic labels

I’ve also posted over fifty poems in the last eighteen months, including excerpts from both Iron Man Family Outing and Scapegoat’s Cross, as well as outtakes from both books and other previously unpublished poetry. All of these poems are also available as PDF documents at http://rickbelden.com.