the windows are dirty
the doors are locked tight
the altars are built
of barbed wire and bones.

the wind blows through
the rain pours in
the bells don’t ring
the dead don’t die.

the child in the corner
looks for his shadow
his eyes are frozen
he cannot cry.

(PDF version)

House Rules

Sit up straight don’t slouch.
Stop crying I will give you something to cry for.
Don’t answer back.
Pull yourself together.
Do as I say pay attention.
Don’t fidget sit still.

Those who ask don’t get.
Those who don’t ask don’t want.
If the wind changes your face will stay like that.
Speak when you are spoken to.
Little girls should be seen and not heard.
You must make the best of yourself.

If you don’t abide by my rules you can leave.

Don’t stare it’s rude to stare.
Stop that now rude girl.

I am not staring I am looking.
I am searching I am yearning.

Where are you?

Kathleen Freeman

Choosing one poem from among the many fine pieces Kathleen has written so far was a rather hard decision. You can see more of her work and keep up with her latest posts at http://kathylambie.blog.com.

Written in three parts, TURNED ON allows the reader to inhabit the internal mindset of three people: Marc, a highly educated professional man who is a heavy user of pornography and telephone sexlines; his therapist, who facilitates the unfolding of Marc’s personal social history and the process of recovery; and Louise, the bright but lifetime disadvantaged telephone sexline worker whose story illuminates aspects of the wider effects of a pornized society, especially on women.

I’ll get to the point: this is a damn good book. The characters of Marc and Louise felt like real people to me. I cared about them, and I wanted to know what was going to happen to them. I also admired and enjoyed what I would call the “slightly shuffled” structure of the timeline of events in the book, which kept me a little off balance and disoriented as a reader, but in a good way that actually drew me more deeply into the experience of the book.

Another positive aspect of TURNED ON is well-articulated by therapist Patricia Mills, who said in her review of the book, “Refreshingly, the male isn’t demonised with only the woman being seen as victim. The gender issues raised were based on fact rather than emotion.” I would agree. I felt the presentation of gender roles and dynamics in the book was as skillfully balanced as it could possibly be.

In my review of TURNED ON at Amazon UK, I said, in part:

“Turned On” is a dark journey, to be sure, and not for the faint of heart or those who may be offended or disturbed by a frank presentation of the shadow side of human sexual experience. But more importantly, in my view, it is a journey of awakening to the possibilities of healing and positive change that can only come with a fully felt awareness of the truths of oneself, one’s history, and one’s life. And that is a journey well-taken.

Reading this book is a “stand in the fire” type of experience, and as such, is not for everyone. Some will find the subject matter and strong language used by the characters, not to mention their behavior (sexual and otherwise), objectionable. Others who are deeply sensitive and/or have a history of trauma may find that there are too many triggers. And some folks simply don’t want to know about these things, period. But for those who want to know, who need to know, and who understand that a walk through the darkness can lead to a deeper, more expansive experience of the light, this is a great and illuminating book.

For additional information or to order a copy of TURNED ON, visit wittingpress.wordpress.com.

Rick’s work, if it is anything, is transformative. It holds out in optimism that by courageously facing the child we were, we can create a more rewarding future for the adult we want to become.

You can read his full post in its entirety at Men’s Well-Being.

In other “IMFO in the UK” news, another counselor based in the United Kingdom, John Kennett of Kent Counselling for Men, recently added Iron Man Family Outing to his Amazon UK Listmania list “Men, masculinity and maturity”, describing the book as a “raw and powerful means of accessing the inaccessible.”

In response to this recent UK news, a friend remarked to me via email, “I do think it is great that Iron Man is offered for sale in English pounds.” I have to agree.

I’m the scapegoat
I’m the mole
I’m the one they blame.

I’m the one who wouldn’t pretend
I’m the one who wouldn’t buy in
I’m the one who broke the rules
I’m the one who broke the pact.

I’m the one who broke the seal
I’m the one who broke the silence
I’m the one who spilled the beans
I’m the one who has the problem.

I’m the one who put down his cross
I’m the one who jumped off the train
I’m the one who’s got it wrong
I’m the one who doesn’t belong.

I’m the black sheep
I’m the scapegoat
I’m the mole
I’m the one who told.

I’m the judas
I’m the traitor
I’m the one they blame.

(PDF version)

I’ve posted some preview material on my web site at rickbelden.com/new_book, including an excerpt from the introduction and some of the poems that appear in the book.

I’m also making preview copies of the complete manuscript available to those who’d like an early look. Please see rickbelden.com/new_book for information about getting a preview copy.

In her comments about my book, Rebecca said:

What a treat to read such an authentic and heartfelt book. Through the use of poetry Belden tells his story of growing up with an abusive father. Belden allows the reader an insight into his heart and takes us along in his struggles to claim a conscious manhood. If you are looking for pretty poetry, this isn’t the book. This is raw, truthful, and captures both the darkness and the lightness of meeting one’s past. While Iron Man Family Outing may seem to be for men, it helped me as a woman have a better understanding of what men may be going through within themselves.

You can read her full post in its entirety at The Mindful Beat.

Rick Belden is a fellow Austinite who has written a book, Iron Man Family Outing, of healing poetry about his own personal journey of growing up male in American society. His poetry is moving and poignant. His descriptions of his family, himself and his relationships strike a chord with everyone with whom I’ve shared them. I highly recommend this book.

You can read her full post in its entirety at Kellevision and also at Kellen’s blog at Intent.com.

Kellen’s recent post “Making Yourself a Target: Replicating the Scapegoat Role in Your Life – How to Stop Doing It” is yet another insightful entry in her excellent ongoing series on the the role of the scapegoat in dysfunctional family systems. This is a subject that deserves far more attention than it gets, in my opinion. I’m grateful to Kellen for shedding some light on the experience and the dynamics of the scapegoat role, and for providing practical, helpful information for those who need it.

* The Body – Thoughts – Feelings Connection

* Depressive Realism

* Self Care

The Kellevision blog has been up for a little over a year. It contains a wealth of perceptive, practical information about psychological health and self care, and is updated regularly. I plan to revisit it often to explore the archives as well as to keep up with the latest posts. Highly recommended.

* Jason Fierstein of Phoenix Men’s Counseling praised the book’s “use of metaphor” and said the “poems are very transformational, and really give a voice to the modern male experience – one which is frequently (and unfortunately) not discussed.”

* Jack Kammer of The Center for Men and Boys in Social Policy commented on the isolation many men feel with their so-called “personal problems” and said the book “makes it unmistakably clear that any man who sometimes feels alienated from his best hopes and from his own, best, most cherished view of himself is most decidedly not alone.”

* Life/Executive Coach Sean Casey LeClaire said that “Belden explores the shadow side of the male journey” and added that the book “comes at a wonderful time, as millions of men find themselves without work … the opportunity to face themselves with courage and decency, which Rick’s poems do, is most timely.”

The complete archive of reviews for the book is available at http://rickbelden.com/reviews.

This blog post is part of Zemanta’s “Blogging For a Cause” campaign to raise awareness and funds for worthy causes that bloggers care about.

what’s the half-life of a lousy childhood?
stranglehold tentacles
come out of a house where
nobody I know lives anymore
body and soul clench like a fist
when that hairy hand tries to pull me down
I need lights
I need noise
I need naked female flesh all around
else I implode.

how do I give up what I don’t understand?
this home isn’t broken it’s blown to hell.

now here’s a place where I can be unhappy in peace
totally safe and unbelievable
a crime against everything I was brought up to be
a slap in the face to that guy who thinks
he knows how it’s supposed to be done
a tight connection to all those old friends
I thought I’d left behind
whores just like me
who knows what they sell themselves for?

last chance for ro-mance
take care of these ladies and they’ll take care of you
why do I need this?

the weird thing is I don’t even see
most of these women anymore
not even as objects.

can’t buy a thrill?
sometimes I can sometimes I can’t but
I don’t need a thrill
I need a break.

(PDF version | Video version)

my skin remembers
slap of the flyswatter metal wire handle.

my tongue remembers
bar of soap shoved in my mouth.

my hand remembers
spilled milk on the first day of first grade.

my stomach remembers
crying in front of everyone ’cause I lost the fight.

my knee remembers
wait for me daddy before I fell + broke my leg.

my feet remember
please teach ricky how to skip
pinned to my kindergarten shirt.

my chin remembers
falling out of bed into a
daddy’s mad again hot sunday night.

my nose remembers
can’t breathe comic books in ragweed darkness.

my fingers remember
building model rockets in a cool summer basement.

my neck remembers
father’s hands closing tight around my throat.

my ears remember
mother screaming stop it dick stop it.

time passes but nothing is lost
I can’t fool myself
my body remembers everything.

(PDF version | Video version)

The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.

Our mission also includes serving girlfriends, wives, partners, family members and friends by providing information and support resources on the web.

The 1in6 web site is rich in content and well-organized. Many of the books recommended on the site (including Iron Man Family Outing) can be borrowed, without charge, from 1in6.org. This is a wonderful service and a great way to make these materials available to men who need them and wouldn’t be able to obtain them otherwise.

I wholeheartedly support the work of the 1in6 organization and I’m honored that Iron Man Family Outing has been selected as a recommended resource for visitors to the 1in6 web site.

A few highlights from recently posted reviews:

* Dr. Martin Srajek, Director of the Center for Men and Masculinity, wrote an expansive review that provides one of the most thorough, nuanced commentaries on the book to date.

* Graeme Daniels of Self in Addiction wrote a detailed, perceptive review that included specific comments on some of the individual poems. Graeme also posted some additional review comments on the book and on specific poems in the reader reviews section of this blog.

* Tom Golden of Crisis, Grief, and Healing emphasized that the book’s portrayal of “the masculine style of healing through creativity” provides useful insights for women as well as for men.

The complete archive of reviews for the book is available at http://rickbelden.com/reviews.

he had a lot of leg cramps at night
he called that a goddam charley horse
I used to wake up with intense pain in my leg
the leg I broke
trying to catch up with him
when I was first learning to walk.

sometimes we’d both wake up at the same time
on the same night
I liked this because I got to spend some quiet time
alone with him.

I never wanted to go back to bed on those nights
we’d sit in the living room or the kitchen
in the dark or with a dim light on
he seemed more open in those moments
I didn’t feel like he hated me then
maybe it was because he was sleepy
or in pain.

those were special occasions for me
nothing to accomplish or be judged on
we each had our own pain
similar but not the same
he was empathetic
I felt connected to him.

in those brief moments
I always felt that I was just like him
just like I always wanted to be.

(PDF version | Video version)