One of the exercises I use in trainings for therapists is to ask the audience to imagine they are going to dinner at their favorite restaurant. Give them a second to imagine that scene and then suggest they are being seated and as they walk to their table they see a woman who is crying over at a corner table. Ask them what their response is to her and then ask why they think she might have been crying. Invariably people will chime in and say things like “poor dear,” “she’s upset,” “she needs support,” “she probably just broke up with her boyfriend,” etc. There is usually a friendly and concerned tone to their responses.

Then I ask that they erase that image and go back to walking in the restaurant and being seated. Then I tell them that in the same corner table there is a man who is crying. What is their response to him and why do they think he might be crying? Usually the response is that he is likely drunk, that he is to be avoided, and that there is likely something wrong with him! LOL. Steer clear of that guy. People are usually fairly shocked at their own bias and they start to get a sense of the sort of minefield that men face in this sort of situation.

I really love this. If the dramatic contrast in reactions to the two situations doesn’t turn on some light bulbs in the audience, then the power must be off.

Here’s another excellent, thought-provoking little piece from Tom on the subject of men and crying:

“A Man’s Tears and His Family”

Great stuff and such an important topic, for men and women alike. For more information about Tom Golden and his work, you can visit his website, webhealing.com.

* The Body – Thoughts – Feelings Connection

* Depressive Realism

* Self Care

The Kellevision blog has been up for a little over a year. It contains a wealth of perceptive, practical information about psychological health and self care, and is updated regularly. I plan to revisit it often to explore the archives as well as to keep up with the latest posts. Highly recommended.

I’m a spiritual child who grows up
being told + shown that
god is just a sunday morning pain in the ass
waiting for me to screw up
so he can rip my life to shreds.

I’m a passionate child who grows up
being told + shown that
feelings are unacceptable + dangerous
to myself + others.

I’m a creative child who grows up
being told + shown that
adults don’t have time to be creative.

I’m an honest child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’m always supposed to tell the truth but
it’s usually safer + more acceptable to lie.

I’m an independent child who grows up
being told + shown that
going my own way leads to rejection + disaster.

I’m an intuitive child who grows up
being told + shown that
I need a logical justification for
everything I do say + feel.

I’m a smiling child who grows up
being told + shown that
laughter is the best medicine but
happy people usually get punished somehow.

I’m an energetic child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’m not doing enough because I’m lazy.

I’m a gifted child who grows up
being told + shown that
my contributions aren’t very important in this world.

I’m a curious child who grows up
being told + shown that
self-awareness endangers the family
so I’d better not question things too much.

I’m a patient child who grows up
being told + shown that
there’s not enough time
I’m going too slow
everyone’s tired of waiting for me.

I’m a bright child who grows up
being told + shown that
the brain is where it’s at but
people who make a living with their brains
are lazy bastards.

I’m a trusting child who grows up
being told + shown that
I don’t deserve to be trusted + trust
opens the door to abuse.

I’m a hopeful child who grows up
being told + shown that
life is a series of unhappy events + disasters
so don’t expect too much.

I’m an innocent child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’m a bad boy + I oughta be ashamed of myself.

I’m an open-hearted child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’ll never be good enough
I’ll never be loved enough
I’ll never be man enough.

I’m a sad frightened
lonely needy
raging hurting child.

(PDF version)

spirituality is a vibrant awakening consciousness
a deep and present awareness of ourselves
of everyone and everything around us
it’s knowing that our words and our actions matter
even when no one hears and no one sees
it’s listening to the heart and the mind and the body
to moon stars sun and trees
to wind fire rain and earth
to animals and plants
to dreams and daydreams
to grief and anger and hunger and sex
to all of the feelings we’ve been told not to have
and all of the thoughts we’ve been taught not to think
in the right balance
in the right time.

spirituality demands critical thinking
it requires curiosity
a desire to know what’s real
a willingness to strip off conditioned patterns of perception and habit and belief
layer by layer
regardless of personal cost
because otherwise
truth and truthfulness are lost.

spirituality is facing the mysteries of life and death
without hiding from questions that cannot be answered
and without the comfort of tall tales passed down through a million dark nights
it’s knowing that we are not alone
because we’re all here together
and it’s all up to us
together.

(PDF version)

I encountered the seed of this process in a magazine article (now long lost) many years ago. I took what I saw and developed it into a practice that I used and found helpful for several years. My belief system has since shifted in such a way that this process no longer feels like a good fit for me, but there may be others who are in the right place to gain something from using it.

I’ll say up front that I have no belief in any deity or deities, and haven’t for a long time, but I’ve always believed and still believe that there is divinity in all things. This sort of thinking would probably attract scorn from theologians and atheologians alike. So it goes.

Given that context, I’ve always seen the process I’m about to describe more as a meditative exercise in building focus and awareness than as an appeal to any sort of supernatural force, although I can’t completely rule out the possibility of ripple effects in this big pool of energy in which we’re all swimming, or even the hidden hand of some bigger fish (do fish have hands?).

From my perspective, prayer works primarily as a meditative and psychological conditioning process. It can be used to explore existing patterns of thought and perception, as well as to reinforce, shift, or replace them. I don’t see anything inherently magical or supernatural about it. I also thought, and still think, that there’s a good deal of potential consciousness-transforming power available to us in universal spiritual archetypes; whether one believes in their literal existence or not, these patterns embody and express energies and forces that are ancient and deeply authentic in the human psyche.

I’m presenting this information informally, more or less as I wrote it up for a friend several years ago. This was the process I used; adapt as needed to make it yours. And remember: this is not magic, it’s not magical thinking, and it’s not that heinous mass marketing mindscrew known as “The Secret”. This process may help you get a result you want or need; it may not. But if you pay attention as the forty day cycle unfolds, you may find that getting what you thought you wanted or needed was never the real point anyway.

As with many meditation practices, the core of the Forty Day Prayer practice is very simple. But there are some things you’ll need to know in order to get it right. I’m also going to include some info from my personal experience that may be helpful. So here goes …

The basic template for the Forty Day Prayer, as I’ve practiced it, is:

“In the name of Jesus the Christ, thank you that ________________, if it be Thy will.”

The phrasing used has three important components and all must be present:

1) “In the name of Jesus the Christ, …”

This is your call to Spirit, higher forces (internal or external), what have you, in whatever form you find appropriate for yourself. I’ve used this phrasing, even though I’m not a Christian, with something along the lines of the ideal frequently labeled as Christ Consciousness in mind. I can imagine that other folks might invoke the Great Spirit, Higher Power, or some other beneficent spiritual entity if that is more suited to their beliefs.

2) “… thank you that ________________, …”

Fill in the blank with a core phrase that expresses what you hope to create, resolve, or receive in your life during the next forty days. It’s very important that you state it in the present tense, as if you already have it and are expressing your gratitude for having it. This helps condition your mind to receive it, and perhaps more importantly, activates your creative power to manifest it.

3) “… if it be Thy will.”

Not everything our conscious mind desires is in our best interest at the soul level. This last bit acknowledges that we are not always the best and final judges of what life should bring us. Sometimes there is something else at work in life that takes precedence over what appears to us to be our most obvious need at the time.

In order to begin the process, you first have to identify the core phrase that goes in the blank. For example, if you were having a problem with your stomach, you might use something like:

“In the name of Jesus the Christ, thank you that my stomach is healthy and clear of any dysfunction, if it be Thy will.”

Another more general possibility might be:

“In the name of Jesus the Christ, thank you that I have all the help I need to heal my stomach issues, if it be Thy will”

How you arrive at the core phrase you’re going to use is up to you. In my case, it often just comes to me while I’m walking. I typically don’t make changes to my core phrase once I’ve started the forty day cycle, unless something compelling comes up. Even then, it’s usually only the addition or the rearrangement of a word or two. Best to pick something concise that you’re comfortable saying, ’cause you’re going to say it 240 times over the next forty days: three times every morning and three times every night.

Once I have my prayer in mind, I write it down on a small piece of notebook paper that I can tuck under my pillow. Each morning when I wake up I say it three times before I get out of bed. Each evening I say it three times just before I go to sleep. I keep track by marking off the days (one through forty) on the back of the piece of paper that has the prayer written on it.

It’s probably best if you can focus on the words as you say them (visualize, etc.), but a lot of the time all I can manage to do is recite the words without a lot of thought behind it. This doesn’t seem to hurt the process, in my experience. To the contrary, I think this is part of the process. It’s a very interesting exercise in self-observation to notice, over the course of forty days and forty nights, the different mental states in which I find myself when I recite the prayer … at times feeling very connected to the words, at times not. Because the words don’t change, it tends to draw my attention to what does change from day to day: my emotional and mental states and how those states affect my relationship to the words.

All of this sounds easy, right? Well, here’s the only tricky part:

If you miss a morning or an evening, you have to start the whole cycle all over again, from day one.

This is why I put the piece of paper with the prayer on it under my pillow. I’m most likely to forget to do the prayer in the morning (and I have), but since I make my bed every morning, I always find the prayer right under my pillow when I make the bed if I’ve forgotten and I don’t miss a day.

You’ll have to find your own best way to remind yourself, but I suggest you choose a strategy up front, because I can almost guarantee that something (your mind or your life) will intrude at some point and make you forgetful. And who wants to start over on day 39? Not me!

Once you’ve begun the forty day cycle, try to observe things in kind of a neutral way as you go along and see if anything begins to change around the issue you’ve chosen. Things may improve or they may seem to get worse. Maybe it will appear that nothing at all is happening. But no matter what happens, finish the cycle. Keep your commitment to yourself, to the issue, and to the process. You may notice a real difference by the end of the cycle. Something surprising may have happened. Or it may appear that nothing has happened, and you may not realize the effects until you can look back on it later in a fuller context.

I believe this practice works. I was very skeptical at first (as I tend to be with most things of this nature) but my overall experience, having used this about two dozen times in the last 5-6 years, is that it works, in some cases quite dynamically and in others very subtly.

Here’s a quick review of the practice:

1) Design your prayer using the template, with all three parts as described above.
2) Develop a memory aid (such as putting the prayer under your pillow) to remind you if you forget to say your prayer.
3) Recite the prayer three times each morning before rising and three times each evening prior to sleep for forty days.
4) Observe any changes that might relate to the issue, but finish the whole forty day cycle, no matter what (even if the problem seems to be resolved).
5) If you miss a morning or an evening, start over from day one.

I hope I haven’t made this sound too complicated or like too much work, because it is neither, especially considering the potential benefits. But you do have to be consistent and pay attention if you want to get something out of it.

we have everything we need to live in paradise
for everyone
but we’re eating it all up
and crapping it all out
as fast as we can
faster faster faster
more more more
hoard hoard hoard
mine mine mine
consume dispose consume
until it’s all gone
while high-def flat screen phantoms
shiny electrodistractors
and cell phone brain parasites
eat our time and our minds and our lives.

we live and die in a group trance
a mass of mass dreams
in which someone else’s dreams
are more real to us than our own
whose dream is this
whose dream do you serve
your conditioning is more than you realize.

stop
take a moment
take a breath
check your body
and ask yourself
am I awake right now
or am I dreaming someone else’s dream.

(PDF version)