poetry, dreams, and the body » ice

learning to breathe

Rick — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:05:47 +0000

I’m learning to breathe again
but it’s painful.

when I breathe I feel
the pressure of my sorrow
the weight of 10,000 uncried tears.

when I breathe I feel
the power of my shame
a jagged chunk of black ice lodged
deep in my throat.

when I breathe I feel
the animal life
animal fear + animal sadness
animal panic + animal loss.

when I breathe I feel
the screws in my chest beginning to loosen
+ the life I’ve known for so long
coming to an end.

(PDF version)

ice house

Rick — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 02:09:31 +0000

cold weather is no innocent bystander
it stabs the heart like a gleaming ice pick
it peels back the skin like a fur trapper’s knife
it runs through the bones like liquid hydrogen
till steam comes out the nose
till fingers crack + bleed
till blood thickens + pools
till the house is empty at last.

(PDF version)

falling through

Rick — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 00:22:31 +0000

these last few days
I feel myself
skimming the surface
of some monster sadness inside.

sadness about
rejections and betrayals of trust
sadness about
starving through the days
without passion or sweetness
sadness about
forgetting what it’s like
to love and be loved.

I keep trying to avoid it
but I can feel it in my body
if I pay attention.

it feels like
a big bulge growing in my chest
a throbbing pocket of grief
that’s swelling and getting close
to breaking through
like a boil under the skin
before it breaks the surface.

when I touch it I see
a boy standing all alone in winter
on the surface of a frozen lake
while below the ice
a dark mass rises from the depths
not menacing
not malevolent
but very primitive
with the consciousness of
one of those strange sea creatures that lives
in the coldest blackest deepest water
massive blind and silent
it moves up toward the surface
and the ice is getting thin.

nothing frightens me more
than feeling my own grief
falling through the ice
into the deep unknown
I always feel like
it’s gonna kill me
I always feel like
it’s gonna swallow me whole.

(PDF version | Video version)