I’ll be honest. Up until a day or so ago, I really hadn’t been paying close attention to the Penn State story. As an adult survivor of childhood abuse, I’m living and dealing with my own story every day. I don’t have to look to media for more.

I’ll be honest about something else, too. Just 24 hours ago, I’d never heard of Jon Ritchie. Then, yesterday afternoon, I happened to be channel flipping and ran across his conversation above with Bob Ley on the ESPN show Outside the Lines. Now Jon Ritchie is one of my favorite men. If you watch the video above, I think you’ll see why.

Jon speaks of his long history with Jerry Sandusky, a man he regarded as a role model, friend, and mentor from the time of their first meeting when Ritchie was 14 and Sandusky was recruiting him for the Penn State football program. Speaking about Sandusky, Jon says:

“I just felt like this man was so selfless, and so egoless, that he was what I aspired to be someday. And now, that foundation of what I thought was credible, and what I thought was important, and what I thought was good has crumbled. It’s decimated and it’s caused me to just reevaluate everything around me.”

A bit later, he says, “My whole lens has cracked.”

I understand exactly what Jon is saying because I’ve had a similar experience. Several years ago, I learned that an older man I’d known and admired my entire life, someone I’d loved and respected, someone with whom I’d spent countless hours as a child, had systematically sexually abused at least a dozen children over a period of around 25 years.

I was completely blindsided. I felt as if my entire world had been turned upside down. I’d never had any indication, not as a child and not as an adult, that anything so hideous was going on. He was, in my perception, one of the safest adults I knew as a child. I’d never received any inappropriate attention from him or heard of anyone else who had.

Shock is far, far too mild a word for what I felt and experienced in response to these revelations. As Jon says in the video, what I’d learned caused me to reevaluate everything. Not just my relationship with this man I’d trusted so much, my memories of my time with him, and my feelings about him, but everything. My sense of what I thought I knew and who I thought I could trust was ruptured down to the very root.

I was horribly disoriented for weeks, and it took a long time for me to come to terms with what I’d learned and to right myself again. Furthermore, I was unprepared to find that someone else I’d known and trusted all my life would do anything to protect this serial abuser’s reputation as a “great man”, to deny, to cover up, and to press his victims to keep the secret. This, to me, has been as appalling as the abuse itself, and has poisoned my relationship with that person as well.

Perhaps that’s why I’m so impressed with Jon Ritchie today. He could’ve taken the route of protecting, denying, and rationalizing on behalf of his long-time hero, or he could’ve simply stayed out of sight and kept quiet until things settled down. Instead he’s chosen to take the path of honor and integrity, to allow others to witness his walk through the flames.

I can see the deep pain in his eyes as he speaks, and I know it all too well. He’s obviously been shaken to the core. It’s not easy to accept that someone so close and so admired has done such awful things, much less to speak publicly about it so soon after finding out. Jon is sharing what is surely one of the most devastating experiences of his life in real time and in an incredibly transparent way.

The children who were molested and assaulted are the primary victims here, and that is where, as Jon says, the focus belongs. But Jon and others like him, who were close with Jerry Sandusky and saw him as a mentor, a hero, a role model, and a good man, are part of the collateral damage, secondary victims who’ve been deeply wounded by a horrific betrayal of trust and confidence that cuts to the bone and warps one’s sense of reality.

These men are in crisis, too. They’re feeling crazy, wondering how they could’ve been so thoroughly fooled for so long, and worrying that they somehow failed to pay sufficient attention to realize what was going on and stop it. They’re searching their own memories, wondering if maybe something happened to them as well, something they’ve somehow blocked out or rationalized away. Some are thinking they’re damn lucky it wasn’t them, and feeling guilty about the relief that comes with that. They’ve all been damaged and injured, too, certainly not in the same ways or to the same degree as the children who were molested and assaulted, but in ways that still matter deeply, and they’re going to need compassion, understanding, and time to heal as well.

If I could thank Jon in person for this brave, honest, articulate, and very moving interview, I would. I hope it’s widely seen and discussed. It’s an incredibly helpful, vital part of the conversation for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that, even in what must be one of the darkest moments of his life, Jon Ritchie is still showing us what it means to be a good man.

This post originally appeared on 11/12/11 on the Good Men Project website.

Sadness scares me. Grief, the experience of grief and grieving, scares me. But I also know that grieving, that being with grief and sadness, is one of the most powerful and effective ways of being with and transforming pain. When I let my grief and my sadness speak, when I allow those energies to stir in my belly and my chest, to move up through my heart and my throat, to enter the world as tears and moans and sobbing and wailing, I am cleansed. I am lifted. I can see again. I feel real again. Human.

But entering that process is challenging for me. It’s tricky. Sensitive. I almost have to be taken by surprise. Like so many men, I’ve been conditioned not to feel such things (not directly anyway) and certainly not to express them, not even privately. The messages are clear: “Be a real man. Take charge. Control yourself. Don’t cry. Be tough. Don’t be a wimp.” If you are a man who is suffering, keep it to yourself. If you have to feel something, feel angry. Anger is manly and therefore safe to feel. Grief and sadness are not.

Grief work is hard for many of us as men, and so much has to be learned (and unlearned) in order to do it. You have to be tough and soft at the same time, and you have to be present with what you’re feeling without losing yourself in the intensity of it. It’s not easy. Healing is not for wimps. The real tough guys are the ones who can do the work …

You can read the full article at:

http://goodmenproject.com/guy-talk/healing-is-not-for-wimps

WAKING UP: Men Reclaiming Our Inspiration

Would the boy you once were be inspired by the man you’ve become? – Nic Askew

This 12-meeting study and process group for men will explore the pathway to discovering our masculine gifts, and offering those gifts through our relationships, families, friendships and work. The group will be a place of refuge, challenge and acceptance where members will engage with new ideas about relating to ourselves, our partners and families, and our work in the world. As a process group, we will look at our interactions within the group as a reflection of our interactions with the world. As a working group, we will support each other in identifying and working through the challenges which keep us from living our lives more fully.

The primary work in meetings will be the focus on consciously finding our right relationship with ourselves, our lives, and each other. We will look at physical, spiritual, emotional, sexual, and psychological ways of offering our gifts to the world, and pathways to doing that. The group will do a small amount of reading each week from writings by David Deida, Rick Belden, Chogyam Trungpa and others to open up new areas for exploration of our full role in the world. We will explore mindfulness, and use this skill to explore barriers to true engagement with ourselves and our world.

This group will be comprised of six members and two leaders. All members will commit for the duration of the group. (It is understood that absences are unavoidable at times.) During the group, the leaders will offer experiential training on what is needed to develop and maintain an effective on-going, self-sustaining group. If there is interest, the foundation of this subsequent group will be established from interested men in the group with the support and consultation of the group leaders. After the initial stages of the new group, leaders will be available in a consultative capacity as needed.

Details
When: 5:30 – 7:00pm on Wednesdays beginning August 31 and ending November 16
Where: Sol Associates, 3400 Kerbey Lane
Group leaders: Steve Milan, LCSW and Rupesh Chhagan, LAc
Cost: $50 per session payable at the start of each month. Discount available if paid in full in advance. If finances are the only barrier to joining, please contact us to discuss accommodations based on need.

Please call Steve at 589-5164 or Rupesh at 917-3404 to sign up or to get more information.

Signing Up: Anyone interested in participating must meet with Steve or Rupesh once before the group starts to assure that the goals of the group are clear, and that this group is an appropriate venue for this work. There is no cost for this meeting.

This is a great opportunity for men in the Austin area who are ready to explore the possibilities of deeper relationship with self and others in a safe, supportive environment, and I’m honored that some of my work will be included as a resource.

In a chapter called “Being Your Own Man” from his previous book, Matters for Men: Staying Healthy and Keeping Life on Track, Dr. Ashfield wrote:

Father and son relationships are often fraught with tension and conflict, because of a failure to understand that a son must chart his own course, and must best his father in some way, in order to become a self-respecting equal with him in the world of men. Sons must not only be snatched away from mother’s apron strings, but must also decisively cease their dependence on or acquiescence to father. Many men, even in middle age, experience the continuing inertia of unrealized manhood because they are still preoccupied – often unknowingly, with lamenting an absent (or less than ideal) father, or living in their father’s shadow. There may be no simple formula for success in life, but there is a simple formula for failure: to betray and abandon the person we could become, and the life that we could have, in order to placate and please other people.

The decision to be ourselves and to be responsible for ourselves – to shape our own destiny, rather than living on the leftovers of someone else’s, is no small matter. It can be a frightening thing to take the first few steps into a future governed by our own volition and choices. But no other option can give us the dignity or manliness of a life that is, for better or for worse, uniquely and satisfyingly ours and ours alone.

Dr. Ashfield’s comments remind me of one of my favorite quotes, attibuted to Rudyard Kipling:

To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

I’ve found, as Dr. Ashfield has written, that separating from my father, from both the man he was and the man I needed him to be, has been crucial to my coming into my own life as a mature man. It’s been a long process, a “hard business” as Kipling put it. It’s also been both necessary and well worth the time and the effort. I know there’s more work to do (there will always be more), but nearly 35 years after taking my first conscious steps out of my father’s life and into my own, I’m finally beginning to feel, in ways I never have before, that I am becoming a man at last.

Still I am, as Kipling said, “lonely often, and sometimes frightened,” frequently more so than I would prefer or care to admit, but I also have a tolerance and an acceptance of both of these states that I didn’t have even a few years ago. I understand now that standing up as a man in this world doesn’t guarantee me anything – not love, not success, not companionship, not fidelity, not health, not safety – and this understanding has liberated me, not from wanting all of those things, but from expecting them as some sort of reward for doing what I believe is right.

It is only by standing firm in my own authenticity and integrity that I can truly be fully present in this world and in my own life, with all of the inevitable pain, confusion, and disappointment that come to each one of us who lives. This is a lesson my father could not teach me, having never learned it himself, and I could only learn it by stepping out from the long, angry shadow he cast over my life as a child, a shadow that covered me like a second skin and nearly obliterated my life as a man.

I’ve been thinking recently about the deficiency of appropriate, effective male mentoring in my life and how it’s affected me. I’m 52 and it’s still affecting me, just as it’s affected me at every stage of my life. There’s a huge hole in my life where my father should have been (and still should be), but as big as that hole is, it’s merely the center of a much larger hole, the product of a male culture that is woefully inadequate to meet the true needs of men and boys …

The link for the article is:

http://mankindprojectjournal.org/2011/06/5779

A second article of mine entitled “My Life with Iron Man” was also published on The ManKind Project Journal website last month. The article is located at:

http://mankindprojectjournal.org/2011/06/my-life-with-iron-man

“My Life with Iron Man” was originally published on the Masculinity Movies website in October 2010 in conjunction with my review of the movie Iron Man.

Disowned Male Rage and Its Impact on Society

Disowned male rage is pervasive. It is reflected in the violence in our streets and in the wars we wage, the many battered women and children behind the closed doors of both our tenements and picturesque white picket fenced homes, the many homeless aimlessly wandering our city streets. It is even reflected in the function of our government; on a deep psychological level, our public policies are created and implemented to create separation and to support the denial of one’s (especially men in position of power) own destructive capacity.

We all suffer (disease, depression, addiction, violence) when we, as men, do not identify and take responsibility for the rage we are taught and develop from various childhood traumas.

Origins
Male rage is passed down and is a response to the environment. The parent who fails to deal with his (or her) own childhood rage either shuts down or attacks his own son, simultaneously passing on rage and teaching him that rage is dangerous and is to be feared. The absence of fathers in boys’ lives is an epidemic. Partially as a result, many men are still attached to their mothers, continuing to try to win their love (with their girlfriends and wives) while simultaneously being enraged about the resulting lack of personal freedom. For many, public policies and violent suppression of one group of people over another contributes to the existence of rage. The origins of rage, much of which has not been mentioned here, are both personal and societal.

Resulting Psychology
As a result, men internalize this original relationship to caretakers and the emotion of rage. Many hide from their own rage, repress it, fear it, find any substance or activity they can to distract themselves from it, while others act out, expressing rage violently. Depression is an epidemic in our culture, partially due to the unconscious repression of rage. Despite these efforts, we see the subtle and blatant evidence that male rage cannot be fully contained: car fatalities, school shootings, rape, beatings, gang violence. Instead of acknowledging and being with the truth of their own rage, many men deny it and project it onto others and then distance themselves from, and vilifying the other, while exalting themselves.

Domestic Policies Reflect Disowned Male Rage
The dynamic of denying male rage is reflected in our domestic policies. Our economic, health and education policies empower one segment of society while disempowering others in order for those disempowered others to serve as receptacles for others’ rage. For instance, the credit system (as part of modern day capitalism) as currently constituted is a spiraling downward trap for the non-wealthy. Meanwhile, as stress levels increase, access to health care is diminished and children are expected to learn to be (and are labeled if they cannot be) compliant, focused, and well behaved in school so they can grow up to be compliant, well behaved, “adult” consumers. These policies are developed to create a perpetual collective psychological split, where the Haves can live a serene life devoid of discomfort while the Have-nots live with the chaos of the collective male rage.

Societal Implications
We all are suffering from the imbalance from disowned male rage. No one is immune from the affliction that men are experiencing today. Women are treated violently and/or are neglected and dishonored. Pervasive depression, disillusionment, nervous breakdowns, sexual dysfunction and cancer are the consequences of disowned male rage just as the bullet wounds, overdoses and heart attacks are. We over-consume to not feel our rage, destroy our environment, hoping that the newest technology will protect us from our raging selves. We are out of balance with a part of the collective male psyche. The destructiveness of this imbalance is more evident every day.

What Can Be Done?
All men are responsible for acknowledging their own rage and finding the support to understand and change their relationship to it.

There are resources out there to help men. Individual, one-on-one psychotherapy, with a therapist can be quite effective. There are a variety of other modalities (acupuncture, energy work, body work) out there that can be of help as well. Men’s group work is often a powerful method of understanding not only one’s own rage but of the collective male rage that exists. There is a desperate need within each man to gather together with other men and talk about this with each other, to support, listen, advise, particularly around rage.

I am drawn to working with men around their relationship to rage, because there is a tremendous amount of creative, sexual, alive energy freed up when we acknowledge and accept rage. My approach is to help men become of aware of how they relate to rage, by either hiding from or attacking blindly. This awareness allows for deeper self-acceptance and vast opportunities for personal growth and expression.

I think Ben makes a lot of very useful points in this piece, not the least of which is this one (emphasis mine):

“All men are responsible for acknowledging their own rage and finding the support to understand and change their relationship to it.”

For me, the statement Ben is making here is particularly important. I’ve seen some very disturbing information on the web recently, information written by men and aimed at men, that asserts that for a man to be conscious, he must apologize (i.e., take responsibility) for every bad thing that every other man who’s ever existed has done. That is wrong, toxic, and harmful for all sorts of reasons that I’m not going to go into here.

But Ben, in his statement above, gets it right. If we are truly honest with ourselves, we know that we can only take responsibility for our own feelings, our own actions, our own behaviors, and our own wounds. For most of us, that is more than enough to handle in one lifetime.

I also like Ben’s emphasis on the importance of group work for men. I just finished a 10-week men’s group and it was a great experience for me. It wasn’t my first men’s group, but it was my first in a long time. I may share more about that in a future post, but for now I’ll just say that my personal experience over many years confirms Ben’s statements about the need and the unique benefits of group work for men.

To learn more about Ben and his work, visit his website at benringler.com.

drawing reflected
myself back to me
right before heading
back into the cage
the other morning.

one more
harried hurried
hunted hunch-shouldered
hungry running rabbit
trapped in the
flying to pieces
stressed for success
balls out
non-stop
all or nothing
everything
all the time
twenty-four-seven
faster and faster
more and more
mandatory
retaliatory
predatory
purgatory
world-eating
gut-busting
soul-crushing
american dream.

now it’s just about
time to start another
week of it.

I feel
like a rat
on a wheel.

(PDF version)

Today’s poem on video, “lost man”, is from my upcoming book Scapegoat’s Cross: Poems about Finding and Reclaiming the Lost Man Within. This is the poem that opens the book.

For more poetry on video, visit my YouTube channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/rickbeldenpoet.

Having read the book, I can’t think of a higher recommendation than this: I sure wish I’d had this book, or one like it, when I was a young man. Even at the “advanced” age of 53, I feel like I’ve gained something from reading it. It’s also reminded me of how fortunate I am that some of the poor decisions I made and risks I took while stumbling through life as a teen and a young man didn’t have far more severe consequences for me, and potentially for others, than they did.

Hafter’s commitment to the welfare of boys and young men, and to helping them make smart choices during their formative years that will not come back to haunt them later in life, is evident on every page. He is clear, direct, real, and wise, a compassionate pragmatist and a knowing, straight-talking, much-needed voice of experience that so many boys and young men lack in their lives.

Ideally, every boy and young man would have a mentor like Hafter, but we’re not there yet. For now, we’re fortunate to have a book like this one to offer as a resource to the many boys and men who desperately need a source of caring, practical masculine wisdom and guidance that talks like men talk, neither puts them down nor idealizes them, and pulls no punches when it comes to exploring the realities of choices and consequences they will face in life. I hope this book finds the large audience it so richly deserves.

For more information, visit http://growingballs.com.

My “About” page at rickbelden.com now includes a link to the recently recorded video posted above. I’ve been experimenting on and off with a Flip Video cam I picked up last summer and I think I might (maybe) finally be getting the hang of it. Well, at least I’m getting better with it.

I may take a shot at doing some video readings of a few poems, just to see how it goes. So, look out ’cause you may be seeing more of me in the near future if it goes well.

Rick has a unique ability to capture the real, raw experience often buried deep within the male psyche. I would highly recommend this collection for anyone trying to understand more about the complex inner world of men.

- Chris Blazina, PhD, author of The Secret Lives of Men

Someone needs to tell the truth, and Rick does, as well as giving other men permission to have a voice. His poems speak the stories of millions of men, and are a tightrope between his own personal world and the dark shadow of our masculine culture.

- Kathy Barbini, founder of Big Voice Pictures and producer/director of Boys and Men Healing

Iron Man Family Outing provides context and meaning for many themes men encounter: love, sex, women, fathers, mothers, and relationships. As a budding psychotherapist interested in men’s issues, Mr. Belden’s poems have informed, amused and educated me and I hope to be a better counselor for the experience.

- Mark J. Moller

A unflinchingly raw self-portrait of IRON MAN, the armored American male, born of and into violence and abandonment … Those males of similar background (purportedly 40% of the males in the U.S. have known such violence) who read his words with open hearts, particularly aloud with other men, may experience emotional release, self-acceptance, and possible intimations of redemption and forgiveness. Through reading this book, friends and partners of IRON MEN may gain compassionate understanding of their beloved’s difficult life journey.

- Robert Leverant, MFT

This moving and courageous book has made my clients who’ve read it feel deeply understood and comforted to hear another man articulate what they themselves often cannot put into words. Rick seems to be pitch perfect in portraying the inner world of men struggling to find themselves and be authentic in the shadow of an abusive, cold or perfectionistic parent. Highly recommended.

- Alaire Lowry, PhD, ABPP

I read this book for personal growth. It helped me a lot. The stories sound so much like my stories that I could relate to the feelings expressed.

- C. Simmons

This book is twenty years ahead of its time. That is to say that, on its 20th anniversary, it is very timely today for a male gender that is starting to claim a deeper way of life. I have used this book for my own growth and in my therapy work with men who are looking to live more fully.

- Steve Milan, LCSW

The Iron Man book touches on the pure emotion of what it is to be a man. And ultimately, it touches on what it is to be truly human, warts and all. The subject matter makes clear that it is our vulnerabilities and our shortcomings that challenge us to show up bigger.

- Thomas J. Eggert, MA, LMHC

I was especially moved by Rick’s brief, hard hitting poems; specific images that cut right to the heart of what many men feel in relation to fathers, sexuality and emotional healing. Rick has tapped deeply into his creativity to bring his healing to our lives.

- Chris Frey, psychotherapist and author of Men at Work: An Action Guide to Masculine Healing

As a male psychologist in training, I found this book so enlightening and inspiring for myself, but also for my clients. The honesty, depth, and vivid ways Rick draws in his reader is astounding … I know this book has truly touched my life and I would highly recommend it to male clients, therapists working with men, parents, fathers, sons, teachers, men in general and more.

- J. Nepute

I find the poems strong, beautiful, honest, stark, essential. There are so many I like, but just read “Fused at the Wound” and was particularly struck by that. Also interesting that it transcended gender.

- Marla Estes

As a therapist who specializes in men’s issues, I have seen a number of male clients struggle to put into words how they are feeling. I have recommended this book to help them see that it is possible. Worth checking out if you have struggled yourself or know of someone who might need an shining example of a person’s ability to open up honestly about the joys and trials of life.

- Ryan McKelley, PhD

This book helped me to communicate my own feelings and experiences. Belden has put into words some things I had not been able to articulate. It has helped me reconcile some of my own past. It has helped the woman in my life understand me and men a bit better too.

- adventure guy

As a therapist I like to work with men’s issues. I now use Family Outing as an essential reading tool for self-exploration and awakening. It has been enjoyed by both the growing men I have had the honor of meeting in therapy, as well as colleagues who are open to issues specific to men.

- Curious Buddha

To see the full versions of these and other reader reviews for Iron Man Family Outing, click here. If you’ve read the book and would like to post a review, you can do so on the Iron Man Family Outing Amazon page at:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0911051562

Many thanks to all of the readers who’ve taken the time to post their comments.

This is a must-have text for professionals working therapeutically with men. It has a way of connecting to a man that has experienced interpersonal struggles with his father, with a romantic or sexual partner, or with himself.

Later in his review, Dr. Saland shares some examples of his use of material from Iron Man Family Outing in his work with clients:

As a mental health professional, I have used some of his poems as therapeutic interventions. I presented “crazy armor” to a group of young college men to illustrate the masculine metaphor of Iron Man’s armor and how it may harm men. In individual therapy, I used “body memory” to help a client connect his history of trauma with current somatic complaints.

I’m always so pleased to read or hear about therapists and counselors using material from Iron Man Family Outing in their work with men, and with women as well. I’ve felt all along that it had great potential for use in therapeutic applications, and I’m excited and encouraged to see that others are also recognizing that potential and bringing it to realization in their own work.

Dr. Saland finishes up his review with some comments about the artwork in the book:

Special recognition is warranted for the art illustrations throughout the book done by John Dolley … The artwork truly captures the emotionality of the book.

As I’ve said in the past, I can’t imagine the book without John Dolley’s artwork. It’s almost inconceivable to me now that there was ever a time when my words were standing alone without his illustrations, and I was very happy to see Dr. Saland’s comments about John’s work in his review.

You can find Dr. Saland’s full review of Iron Man Family Outing on the Division 51 “Book Reviews” page or click here to go directly to the review.

he looked so old
I could see he wasn’t feeling well
when I asked how he was doing
he told me
I want to go home
to my home
I knew he meant his little house in the north
2000 miles from here
the one where he’d lived
since he and my mom divorced.

he said
I’ll take the bus
and I said
no
let me drive you
just tell me when you’re ready
but when I wasn’t looking
he snuck out to walk to the bus station
to take that long ride home
alone.

I wanted to do something for him
I thought this might be my last chance
but he wouldn’t have it
maybe it was pride
maybe something else
but whatever the reason
he wouldn’t
and I sat sobbing silently
alone.

now my drinking cup is cracked
and the small white plate
that’s held my food every day
since I left home at nineteen
to get away from him
falls to pieces in my hands.

(PDF version)

part one: life behind this mask
part two: hungry wounds
part three: dance of the unloved child
part four: iron man dreams
part five: shadowland
part six: the unclaimed soul
part seven: hints of daylight

John’s memorable artwork took the material I’d written to a whole new level I’d never anticipated. I’ve always felt extremely fortunate to have had the benefit of his contributions to the project. I can’t imagine the book without them.

“This memorable and occasionally haunting book of poetry is less about art and more about sharing and integrating the experience of growing up as a man. It gives words to men that we have not had before. It is graphic and real. It doesn’t pull punches. This is not your momma’s book of poetry. But it is just what you might need if you are a man who is looking for an example of how to come alive!

“This book is twenty years ahead of its time. That is to say that, on its 20th anniversary, it is very timely today for a male gender that is starting to claim a deeper way of life. I have used this book for my own growth and in my therapy work with men who are looking to live more fully. Rick shines the light on the path. Now it is for us to walk it.”

There’s no way I can possibly express how much it means to me to see a response like this to my work, twenty years down the line. For the better part of those twenty years, the majority of the 2000 copies of Iron Man Family Outing printed in October 1990 remained packed in their original boxes, the casualties of a publication deal gone wrong, stacked like bricks in one closet after another as I moved from place to place to place.

I’d felt the work very deeply while writing Iron Man Family Outing, and my conviction that it had value for others was also deeply felt, but I could find no place for it out in the world. I felt haunted by all those boxes of unused, unread books that were always with me, and in the spring of 2006, after more than fifteen years of trying and failing to find a solution, I finally decided to scrap them. I just couldn’t bear the thought of holding on to them for the rest of my life, and then leaving it up to someone else to dispose of them after I was gone. I made them, I was responsible for them, and I honestly felt that there were no other reasonable options left, so I began the process of breaking them down, one book at a time, and recycling the paper.

I knew this task was too big, not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically, for me to take it on all at once, so I made a commitment to scrap one book a day until they were all gone. Every evening, I pulled one book out of its box in the closet, removed the front and back covers, and tore out all the pages until nothing was left but the spine. Then I tossed all of the pieces into the recycling bin.

I’m not sure how long this went on; probably for about a month or so. At some point during that time, I happened to be standing in the front yard outside my home when the biweekly recycling pickup at the curb took place. As the recycling truck drove away carrying the remains of the books I’d scrapped during the previous two weeks, I saw one of the trashmen riding in the back pick up one of the detached front covers and give it an interested look as some of the torn-out pages swirled around him in the wind. It was a surreal, painful moment for me as I watched my long-ignored work finally catching someone’s interest while its remains blew around him in circles in the back of a trash truck.

This process of scrapping books, one book a day, could have gone on for quite a long time. I was convinced that I was doing the right thing, that I was doing what was necessary to move on from what I saw as my greatest disappointment in life, and painful as it was, I had no intention of stopping. But something completely unexpected happened: I had a dream, a dream that told me, in no uncertain terms, that I should not continue to scrap the books. And so I stopped.

I didn’t know then why I was supposed to stop, but the information in the dream was completely unambiguous, so I did. Eighteen months later, to my complete surprise, Iron Man Family Outing was reborn. Looking back, I can see how absolutely fitting it was, given the genesis of the book’s development in my dreams, that it would be rescued, quite literally, by a dream. I’m just glad I was still listening after all that time.

I sometimes regret scrapping those books and wish I hadn’t had to do it, but I think it was necessary. It’s hard for me to say exactly why. The best theory I have is that I had to let go of all my prior long-held needs and expectations for the book in order for it to become what it was supposed to be, and that I had to sacrifice a little part of it to do so. I had to give up hope to make way for the truth. But even in doing that, I kept my original promise to myself to see the project through to the end, even if it meant tearing up every remaining copy myself with my own hands. I think this was the key. I gave up my hope, but I never gave up my responsibility to the work and to what I had created.

Twenty years is a long time to stick with anything. Earlier this week, a reader wrote to me and said he admired what he characterized as my “perseverance and dedication,” and that sure felt good. But I also know that there’s more to it than that. This project, this process, has always had its own schedule and its own life, and my role has always been to serve the process rather than to drive it. This is trickier than it might sound. When I forget my role in the process, when I try to put my own desires and expectations ahead of the process and the work, I’m only getting in the way and causing myself all kinds of unnecessary trouble. Letting go, being present, being patient, and waiting for direction may sound like “soft” work, but it’s some of the hardest work I know.

Hard, frustrating, disappointing, painful, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, lonely … yes, the last twenty years with Iron Man Family Outing been all of that and more, at times. But not for nothing. Every time I hear from a reader who’s found my book helpful, I feel a little freer because I know I’ve helped someone else feel a little freer. I know I’m not alone in this work, as do they. I liberate myself by helping others liberate themselves. Any sacrifice I make comes back to me a thousandfold as I see one more ugly little shard of my past transformed into something beautiful and life-affirming. That is reason enough to have hung in there with this work for the past twenty years, and to stay on the path it’s shown me, that long, crooked, and sometimes broken path, for as long as it continues to unfold before me.

Iron Man Family Outing also continues to make its way up the list of top poetry books at Amazon and is currently ranked number 12, again based on reader reviews.

The complete archive of reviews for the book, at Amazon as well as from other sources, is available at http://rickbelden.com/reviews.

Material from Iron Man Family Outing and Scapegoat’s Cross will be used in the group as follows:

The group will do a small amount of reading each week from writings by David Deida, Rick Belden, Chogyam Trungpa and others as a starting point for seeing our full role in the world. We will explore mindfulness, and use this skill to explore barriers to authentic engagement with ourselves and our world.

I’m honored that some of my work will be included as a resource and encourage men in the Austin area to consider what they might gain from participating in this group experience.

For full details about the group, click here. For additional information, contact group leader Steve Milan.

Update (09/19/10): The start date for the group has been postponed two weeks. It is now scheduled to begin on September 29. Contact Steve Milan if you’re interested in finding out more.

The audio version of the interview is available from a number of sources, including the “More” page on my website, as well as:

The Secret Lives of Men at BlogTalkRadio

The Secret Lives of Men on iTunes

In the Media: The Secret Lives of Men on the APA Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity Division 51 website

There’s a lot of good material in the transcript, but there’s one section I’d like to reproduce here because I think I did a pretty good job of articulating my approach, my motivations, and my intentions with regard to my book, Iron Man Famly Outing, and more generally, to my work and writing as a whole. Here’s what I said during my conversation with Dr. Blazina:

“I think it’s important to talk just a little bit about the reasons why I felt that it was important to put this material out.

“The book is basically structured as a progression through a series of different experiences and emotional and psychological states. And so there is, in some sense, there’s a flow from beginning to end there, and I think that when people read (the book) they see it. It might be a little different than other poetry books, in that really the poems actually are very interrelated, and they work with one another to tell the story.

“And for me, it’s the story of a period in my life that was highly transformational. And I had the sense, as I began to pull this all together, that this might actually be useful to other men as a pattern or a template or a map to kind of go into their own processes a little bit more deeply, and to give them some reference points in terms of feeling, in terms of developing a relationship where they get information from their bodies and their dreams, and to really give other people, men in particular, permission to open up to this stuff and share it with other people, at least with people that they’re close to, that they feel safe with.

“I was really moved to do a lot of this because I’d been in men’s groups and I’d seen men talk about things in ways that I’d never seen men talk before. I had close friends, we never talked like that, we never shared our emotions with one another. It wasn’t safe to do it. So I was really inspired by that, and my first purpose in doing this book was to open a window into my own process and complete the process for myself, but the larger purpose is to give the opportunity, the permission, and as I said, maybe a pattern or a template or a map for other men that feel ready to go a little deeper into themselves and find out what’s there …

“Really, I guess what I would say is that, in probably the most elemental way, the book is about progressing toward, not so much a resolution … it’s not a how-to book … it’s more about progressing toward a greater understanding, a greater awareness.”

It’s a little rough, but if I had to come up with a mission statement for Iron Man Family Outing, for my writing, and for myself, that would be pretty damn close.

Thanks to everyone who’s taken the time to read the book and post a review. The complete archive of reviews for the book, at Amazon as well as from other sources, is available at http://rickbelden.com/reviews.

Father’s Day update: I was delighted, shortly after publishing this post, to discover that Iron Man Family Outing is now number 3 on Amazon’s list of books about father-son relationships, based on reader reviews. I’m still quite stunned at this news. I had no idea, but I guess it’s appropriate that I’d find out on Father’s Day, of all days. Wow!

This endeavor by website founder Eivind Figenschau Skjellum and his fellow contributors is ambitious in its scope and, from what I’ve seen so far, consistent in both the quality of information presented and the approach taken with the movies and other material chosen for inclusion on the site.

Masculinity-Movies.com is a great resource for anyone interested in an insightful exploration of the expression of masculine psychology, themes, and experience in the cinema, and I hope folks will check it out.