House Rules

Sit up straight don’t slouch.
Stop crying I will give you something to cry for.
Don’t answer back.
Pull yourself together.
Do as I say pay attention.
Don’t fidget sit still.

Those who ask don’t get.
Those who don’t ask don’t want.
If the wind changes your face will stay like that.
Speak when you are spoken to.
Little girls should be seen and not heard.
You must make the best of yourself.

If you don’t abide by my rules you can leave.

Don’t stare it’s rude to stare.
Stop that now rude girl.

I am not staring I am looking.
I am searching I am yearning.

Where are you?

Kathleen Freeman

Choosing one poem from among the many fine pieces Kathleen has written so far was a rather hard decision. You can see more of her work and keep up with her latest posts at http://kathylambie.blog.com.

Today’s selection, another product of my ongoing experiment with automatic drawing, serves as a reminder that messages received in childhood embed themselves deeply in soul, body, and psyche, well below the level of words, rational thinking, and life experience as an adult. Sometimes art making is the truest and quickest path to bring these unconscious imprints up to the surface where we can see them, know them, own them, and (hopefully) transform and/or release them.

When I look at this drawing, I am reminded of a fingerprint (associated with identity) and a disrupted brain (faulty thinking), a combination that suggests a pattern of false belief about myself so deeply embedded and imprinted within me that it feels like part of my identity even though it really isn’t.

I’m also reminded of a labyrinth. This has some interesting connotations as well, especially in conjunction with the title, a phrase that came to me, as is usually the case, just as I was completing the drawing.

scaRy motheR takeoveR
fatheR figuRe bReakdown.

chain mail pipe dReam
injuRed family dance.

house of the bRoken pRomise
won’t get fooled again
again.

(PDF version)

Rick’s work, if it is anything, is transformative. It holds out in optimism that by courageously facing the child we were, we can create a more rewarding future for the adult we want to become.

You can read his full post in its entirety at Men’s Well-Being.

In other “IMFO in the UK” news, another counselor based in the United Kingdom, John Kennett of Kent Counselling for Men, recently added Iron Man Family Outing to his Amazon UK Listmania list “Men, masculinity and maturity”, describing the book as a “raw and powerful means of accessing the inaccessible.”

In response to this recent UK news, a friend remarked to me via email, “I do think it is great that Iron Man is offered for sale in English pounds.” I have to agree.

I’m the scapegoat
I’m the mole
I’m the one they blame.

I’m the one who wouldn’t pretend
I’m the one who wouldn’t buy in
I’m the one who broke the rules
I’m the one who broke the pact.

I’m the one who broke the seal
I’m the one who broke the silence
I’m the one who spilled the beans
I’m the one who has the problem.

I’m the one who put down his cross
I’m the one who jumped off the train
I’m the one who’s got it wrong
I’m the one who doesn’t belong.

I’m the black sheep
I’m the scapegoat
I’m the mole
I’m the one who told.

I’m the judas
I’m the traitor
I’m the one they blame.

(PDF version)

I’ve posted some preview material on my web site at rickbelden.com/new_book, including an excerpt from the introduction and some of the poems that appear in the book.

I’m also making preview copies of the complete manuscript available to those who’d like an early look. Please see rickbelden.com/new_book for information about getting a preview copy.

In her comments about my book, Rebecca said:

What a treat to read such an authentic and heartfelt book. Through the use of poetry Belden tells his story of growing up with an abusive father. Belden allows the reader an insight into his heart and takes us along in his struggles to claim a conscious manhood. If you are looking for pretty poetry, this isn’t the book. This is raw, truthful, and captures both the darkness and the lightness of meeting one’s past. While Iron Man Family Outing may seem to be for men, it helped me as a woman have a better understanding of what men may be going through within themselves.

You can read her full post in its entirety at The Mindful Beat.

Rick Belden is a fellow Austinite who has written a book, Iron Man Family Outing, of healing poetry about his own personal journey of growing up male in American society. His poetry is moving and poignant. His descriptions of his family, himself and his relationships strike a chord with everyone with whom I’ve shared them. I highly recommend this book.

You can read her full post in its entirety at Kellevision and also at Kellen’s blog at Intent.com.

Kellen’s recent post “Making Yourself a Target: Replicating the Scapegoat Role in Your Life – How to Stop Doing It” is yet another insightful entry in her excellent ongoing series on the the role of the scapegoat in dysfunctional family systems. This is a subject that deserves far more attention than it gets, in my opinion. I’m grateful to Kellen for shedding some light on the experience and the dynamics of the scapegoat role, and for providing practical, helpful information for those who need it.

* The Body – Thoughts – Feelings Connection

* Depressive Realism

* Self Care

The Kellevision blog has been up for a little over a year. It contains a wealth of perceptive, practical information about psychological health and self care, and is updated regularly. I plan to revisit it often to explore the archives as well as to keep up with the latest posts. Highly recommended.

* Jason Fierstein of Phoenix Men’s Counseling praised the book’s “use of metaphor” and said the “poems are very transformational, and really give a voice to the modern male experience – one which is frequently (and unfortunately) not discussed.”

* Jack Kammer of The Center for Men and Boys in Social Policy commented on the isolation many men feel with their so-called “personal problems” and said the book “makes it unmistakably clear that any man who sometimes feels alienated from his best hopes and from his own, best, most cherished view of himself is most decidedly not alone.”

* Life/Executive Coach Sean Casey LeClaire said that “Belden explores the shadow side of the male journey” and added that the book “comes at a wonderful time, as millions of men find themselves without work … the opportunity to face themselves with courage and decency, which Rick’s poems do, is most timely.”

The complete archive of reviews for the book is available at http://rickbelden.com/reviews.

This blog post is part of Zemanta’s “Blogging For a Cause” campaign to raise awareness and funds for worthy causes that bloggers care about.

A few highlights from recently posted reviews:

* Dr. Martin Srajek, Director of the Center for Men and Masculinity, wrote an expansive review that provides one of the most thorough, nuanced commentaries on the book to date.

* Graeme Daniels of Self in Addiction wrote a detailed, perceptive review that included specific comments on some of the individual poems. Graeme also posted some additional review comments on the book and on specific poems in the reader reviews section of this blog.

* Tom Golden of Crisis, Grief, and Healing emphasized that the book’s portrayal of “the masculine style of healing through creativity” provides useful insights for women as well as for men.

The complete archive of reviews for the book is available at http://rickbelden.com/reviews.

he had a lot of leg cramps at night
he called that a goddam charley horse
I used to wake up with intense pain in my leg
the leg I broke
trying to catch up with him
when I was first learning to walk.

sometimes we’d both wake up at the same time
on the same night
I liked this because I got to spend some quiet time
alone with him.

I never wanted to go back to bed on those nights
we’d sit in the living room or the kitchen
in the dark or with a dim light on
he seemed more open in those moments
I didn’t feel like he hated me then
maybe it was because he was sleepy
or in pain.

those were special occasions for me
nothing to accomplish or be judged on
we each had our own pain
similar but not the same
he was empathetic
I felt connected to him.

in those brief moments
I always felt that I was just like him
just like I always wanted to be.

(PDF version | Video version)

Iron Man Family Outing is a book of poetry that explores men’s issues, family relationships, relationships between men and women, male sexuality, dreams, recovery from childhood abuse, and the search for psychospiritual wholeness. Iron Man Family Outing is widely used in the United States and internationally by therapists, counselors, and men’s groups as an aid in the exploration of masculine psychology and men’s issues, especially for men who are adult survivors of childhood abuse.

It’s always been my intention and my heartfelt desire that my book would provide transformational opportunities for others as well as for myself. I’m thankful to have the chance to reach new people and, hopefully, contribute to their healing in some way.

For more information about the book, including excerpts and reviews, visit my website at rickbelden.com.