One of the exercises I use in trainings for therapists is to ask the audience to imagine they are going to dinner at their favorite restaurant. Give them a second to imagine that scene and then suggest they are being seated and as they walk to their table they see a woman who is crying over at a corner table. Ask them what their response is to her and then ask why they think she might have been crying. Invariably people will chime in and say things like “poor dear,” “she’s upset,” “she needs support,” “she probably just broke up with her boyfriend,” etc. There is usually a friendly and concerned tone to their responses.

Then I ask that they erase that image and go back to walking in the restaurant and being seated. Then I tell them that in the same corner table there is a man who is crying. What is their response to him and why do they think he might be crying? Usually the response is that he is likely drunk, that he is to be avoided, and that there is likely something wrong with him! LOL. Steer clear of that guy. People are usually fairly shocked at their own bias and they start to get a sense of the sort of minefield that men face in this sort of situation.

I really love this. If the dramatic contrast in reactions to the two situations doesn’t turn on some light bulbs in the audience, then the power must be off.

Here’s another excellent, thought-provoking little piece from Tom on the subject of men and crying:

“A Man’s Tears and His Family”

Great stuff and such an important topic, for men and women alike. For more information about Tom Golden and his work, you can visit his website, webhealing.com.

disappointed farmers plow my heart
drive their tractors through my chest
plant corn in the ventricles
tomatoes in the aorta
wash the moss from the abandoned valves
+ wait for next year’s harvest.

sometimes they flood the chambers with smoke
so it doesn’t get too cold in there
sometimes deer come + eat the corn
sometimes the farmers go fishing
instead of tending the field
but the fish are angry
the earthworms are violent
the bridge is painful
the farmers return home filled with regret.

how have I come to such a place
drugs + fake lightning do not drain the well of shame
shame does not feed the corn
shame feeds the darkness
shame is food for the goners.

I should be crying now but I’m not
I should be grieving now but I’m not
I’m the quiet good boy
jumping for the dust mop
organized + clean
I’m the big mouth bad boy
lobbing sex grenades at the silky slinky thighs
deep in the mushrooms on a low budget
waiting for the end of the day
faithful to my creed . . .

I will not fall down again
I will not fall down.

I will not fall
I will not fail
I will not feel.

(PDF version)

* The Body – Thoughts – Feelings Connection

* Depressive Realism

* Self Care

The Kellevision blog has been up for a little over a year. It contains a wealth of perceptive, practical information about psychological health and self care, and is updated regularly. I plan to revisit it often to explore the archives as well as to keep up with the latest posts. Highly recommended.

The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.

Our mission also includes serving girlfriends, wives, partners, family members and friends by providing information and support resources on the web.

The 1in6 web site is rich in content and well-organized. Many of the books recommended on the site (including Iron Man Family Outing) can be borrowed, without charge, from 1in6.org. This is a wonderful service and a great way to make these materials available to men who need them and wouldn’t be able to obtain them otherwise.

I wholeheartedly support the work of the 1in6 organization and I’m honored that Iron Man Family Outing has been selected as a recommended resource for visitors to the 1in6 web site.

I’m a spiritual child who grows up
being told + shown that
god is just a sunday morning pain in the ass
waiting for me to screw up
so he can rip my life to shreds.

I’m a passionate child who grows up
being told + shown that
feelings are unacceptable + dangerous
to myself + others.

I’m a creative child who grows up
being told + shown that
adults don’t have time to be creative.

I’m an honest child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’m always supposed to tell the truth but
it’s usually safer + more acceptable to lie.

I’m an independent child who grows up
being told + shown that
going my own way leads to rejection + disaster.

I’m an intuitive child who grows up
being told + shown that
I need a logical justification for
everything I do say + feel.

I’m a smiling child who grows up
being told + shown that
laughter is the best medicine but
happy people usually get punished somehow.

I’m an energetic child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’m not doing enough because I’m lazy.

I’m a gifted child who grows up
being told + shown that
my contributions aren’t very important in this world.

I’m a curious child who grows up
being told + shown that
self-awareness endangers the family
so I’d better not question things too much.

I’m a patient child who grows up
being told + shown that
there’s not enough time
I’m going too slow
everyone’s tired of waiting for me.

I’m a bright child who grows up
being told + shown that
the brain is where it’s at but
people who make a living with their brains
are lazy bastards.

I’m a trusting child who grows up
being told + shown that
I don’t deserve to be trusted + trust
opens the door to abuse.

I’m a hopeful child who grows up
being told + shown that
life is a series of unhappy events + disasters
so don’t expect too much.

I’m an innocent child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’m a bad boy + I oughta be ashamed of myself.

I’m an open-hearted child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’ll never be good enough
I’ll never be loved enough
I’ll never be man enough.

I’m a sad frightened
lonely needy
raging hurting child.

(PDF version)

when I breathe I feel
the pressure of my sorrow
the weight of 10,000 uncried tears.

when I breathe I feel
the power of my shame
a jagged chunk of black ice lodged
deep in my throat.

when I breathe I feel
the animal life
animal fear + animal sadness
animal panic + animal loss.

when I breathe I feel
the screws in my chest beginning to loosen
+ the life I’ve known for so long
coming to an end.

(PDF version)