Today’s selection is a collage I made back in the late 1990s. I was visiting my brother’s family and wound up at the dining room table with his kids, who were making collages using stuff they were cutting out of magazines. I thought it might be fun, so I joined in.

Once again I had no plan and no conscious intention when I began, but what emerged felt surprisingly spiritual and archetypal to me. Since then, my friend the solar elephant has spent many a day with me at work, gracing the walls of each gray cubicle that enclosed my mind and body, and reminding me of the transcendent light and wisdom that always lies within, waiting to emerge.

Since I don’t feel much like writing lately, I’ve decided to try throwing some artwork out there. Some of it will be new and some of it will be from years ago.

Art making was extremely important to me when I was a child, but somewhere along the way I got the idea that it was not a worthwhile use of my time and I stopped doing it. I even forgot I’d ever wanted to be an artist until these words came tumbling out of me, quite unexpectedly, in a therapy session yesterday:

“When I was a child, I wanted to be an artist.”

How in the world could I have forgotten something like that? It seems impossible.

Today’s selection is a bit of Xerox art from about 20 years ago. I’d had my palm read by a psychic and he drew all sorts of symbols on my hand with a pen to emphasize what he was seeing. All I can remember now is that the window is supposed to indicate psychic ability and the little fishes are supposed to represent spirituality. The star or asterisk means something as well, but I have no idea what.

Afterward, I asked a friend to take some photos of my hand so I could have a visual record of the reading. At some point I started fooling around with one of the photos on a copy machine and this was the result.

Today’s poem on video is “use everything” from my upcoming book Scapegoat’s Cross: Poems about Finding and Reclaiming the Lost Man Within.

This is one of my personal favorites from the new book and one I like to revisit whenever I feel like life’s getting to be a little too much.

For more poetry on video, visit my YouTube channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/rickbeldenpoet.

We think there is a soul
We don’t know
That soul is hard to find …

- Joe Strummer, “Johnny Appleseed”

In the course of my lifetime, I’ve yet to encounter any external definition of spirituality that is adequate to encompass the depth and breadth, the totality, of my own personal experience. I was raised Catholic, but even as a child, much of what I was being taught conflicted with my own inner sense of what was truly spiritual, ethical, and rational (see “god at eleven” and “standing in line for confession”) and by age fourteen I knew I was done with it.

During my 20s and early 30s, my search for a personal spiritual path led me to read and learn about Zen Buddhism. I gained a lot from exploring and considering that perspective, and in some ways it seemed to suit me, but there was also a certain coldness about it that kept me from moving farther in that direction. It does, however, continue to influence both my thinking and my writing (“arrow”).

During my mid 30s to mid 40s, I explored several aspects of what is commonly referred to as New Age thought, philosophy, and practice. As before, I gained a lot of useful knowledge and experience, but once again it was a period of transition in my thinking rather than a destination. In many ways, my experience with New Age thought and teachings was ultimately very similar to my experience with Catholicism as a child, because once again I found myself expected to accept and believe all sorts of things as a matter of faith that were not consistent with my own sense and personal experience. (An article by Cat Saunders entitled “New Age Fundamentalism” provides an excellent summary of some of the issues I found the most personally problematic.)

Probably my greatest gains from my New Age period resulted from a twice-daily meditation practice that I maintained for over five years. Learning to meditate, the essence of which was learning to be with and observe myself, really elevated my ability to deal with all kinds of difficult feelings and situations, and my meditation experience continues to provide benefits to me daily even though I haven’t meditated regularly for many years.

At this point in my life, I no longer expect to find an externally defined spiritual model that suits my needs, and I’m no longer looking for one, nor do I feel I need one. I have no belief in any deity or deities, and haven’t for a long time, but I’ve always believed and still believe that there is a transcendent aspect (some would call it divinity) in all life. If I believe in anything now, it’s that life is fundamentally mysterious, that the true nature of the human experience is ultimately and innately unknowable, and that any supposedly all-encompassing explanation for it that anyone can offer is bound to come up short.

I continue to have plenty of deep personal spiritual experiences that I think it would be fair to describe as mystical but I tend to approach them on their own terms rather than trying to apply an explanation of someone else’s experience to them. My spirituality may be a “spirituality without gods” but it’s also as deeply authentic and as vibrant as it’s ever been.

However, having said all of that, I do think that there’s a great deal of potential consciousness-transforming power available to us in universal spiritual archetypes; whether one believes in their literal existence or not, these patterns embody and express energies and forces that are ancient and deeply authentic in the human psyche. I would also say that, regardless of our spiritual belief systems as adults, it’s still important to explore and come to terms with whatever religious model(s) we experienced as a child, because the associated symbols and conditioning are such a foundational aspect of the vocabulary and landscape of our psyche. I still have a crucifix on the wall of my bedroom for reasons that have nothing to do with Catholicism at this point in my life and everything to do with remembering and acknowledging various aspects of my personal history as a child. That same symbolism has also expressed itself in the title of my recently-completed second book, Scapegoat’s Cross, which again is not an expression of theology but of metaphor, personal experience, and universal archetype.

Much of my own motivation for developing an approach to spirituality that is true and authentic for me has been rooted in my need to come to terms with the events and environment of my childhood, and how those factors and issues have affected and directed my life as an adult. I think that, in so many ways, healing from abuse and trauma, whatever its source, is about searching for and finding one’s own soul, that psychospiritual whole that is somehow greater than the sum of all of its parts, that mysterious, uniquely personal link to eternity and to our individual and shared humanity.

Finding one’s soul is, in my experience, not a singular, discrete event, but a long process of many iterations that takes place over time. It requires one to learn new skills and to re-examine beliefs, conditioning, and perceptions. It is a process of collecting fragments of the self that were broken off and expelled here and there along the path of years, people, and places, a process of retrieving the lost and unclaimed pieces of who one is, and used to be, that may have become hidden and nearly invisible in the terrain change that comes with time. Finding the soul is about finding and embracing the gain that comes with every loss.

I’ve been helped the most in my own process of finding the soul by therapists and counselors who encouraged and facilitated my innate (but forgotten) ability to access, express, and own my emotional energy, which I learned to control, dismiss, and repress as a child for survival purposes. I’ve attended several men’s therapy groups over the years and grown enormously as a result, not only in terms of my relationship with myself, but also in the depth of my understanding of others. I’ve consciously cultivated a relationship with my inner self by working with my dreams, journaling, giving myself outlets for creative expression, and as I said earlier, learning to meditate.

I’ve also found it extremely important to reconnect and re-establish an ongoing relationship with my own body, which is such a valuable source of information about my feelings, my history, and my present. Bodywork (various forms of therapeutic massage) has been a critical aspect of that process for many years now. I’ve written previously about the importance and the process of listening to and working with the body in a piece called “the body is the gateway”.

I’ve been on this soul finding journey for over twenty years now and I know that I’ve experienced tremendous growth, healing, and regeneration within myself. But I still sometimes feel like a hamster on a wheel because, for reasons I have yet to understand fully, the external circumstances of my life have so far not reflected these very positive inner changes. I still sit in a little gray cubicle five days a week “doing someone else’s work … living someone else’s life” just as I was doing 21 years ago when I first wrote those words. And I still spend most of my days and my hours alone.

This is not what I expected when I began. I really believed that by doing my work, by confronting my past and my issues and becoming a more complete human being, I would transform my life. And it’s true, beyond any doubt, that I’ve transformed my inner life and my relationship with myself in ways too various and profound to describe in a few words. Yet my outer life, the life in which I spend most of my waking hours, remains just as dull, cold, gray, and unfulfilling as it was when I began.

I’m still glad I made the decision to do the work and make healing a priority in my life. I can’t imagine living any other way. But it remains frustrating and incomprehensible to me that I could work through so many of the issues and wounds that seemed to be blocking my progress in life and still see the most significant outer circumstances of my life unchanged. And I wonder, especially now as I’m getting older and facing all the hard realities that come with aging, if my inner and outer realities will remain forever out of sync.

the function
the knowledge
the development
the awakening
human being of the universe.

history
justice
love
god
the method
the concepts
the human alcohol.

the animal
the uniforms
the fact
the substance.

the good ones
the false people
the ventilator
the safe rotation predetermined by the universe.

a fish
a whale
the surface
the circuit
the number.

the good people
the pure
the unspiritual instruction.

the zombie
the jesus
the birth of the papa of the sky
our new age of the inoperative man.

the enormous game
the audio one
the marks of the attraction.

the truth
the servant
the attention with perspective
the instrument of the development
the eyes of the humanity.

the commerce of god
the god of the mind
god is the alcohol
the scare of the age.

(PDF version)

Rick’s work, if it is anything, is transformative. It holds out in optimism that by courageously facing the child we were, we can create a more rewarding future for the adult we want to become.

You can read his full post in its entirety at Men’s Well-Being.

In other “IMFO in the UK” news, another counselor based in the United Kingdom, John Kennett of Kent Counselling for Men, recently added Iron Man Family Outing to his Amazon UK Listmania list “Men, masculinity and maturity”, describing the book as a “raw and powerful means of accessing the inaccessible.”

In response to this recent UK news, a friend remarked to me via email, “I do think it is great that Iron Man is offered for sale in English pounds.” I have to agree.

I’ve posted some preview material on my web site at rickbelden.com/new_book, including an excerpt from the introduction and some of the poems that appear in the book.

I’m also making preview copies of the complete manuscript available to those who’d like an early look. Please see rickbelden.com/new_book for information about getting a preview copy.

The group will do a small amount of reading each week from writings by David Deida, Rick Belden, Chogyam Trungpa and others as a starting point for seeing our full role in the world. These writings have very different takes on the journey, and we will work with their ideas to find our own path.

Click here to read the full announcement about the group.

This group, which will be held at Sol Associates in Austin, looks like it will be a great opportunity for everyone who attends, and I’m honored that some of my work will be included as a resource for the group.

For additional information, contact group facilitators Steve Milan and Shelley Imholte.

Update (09/04/09): I’ve been informed that the facilitators of this group will also be using material from my new, yet-to-be-published book, Scapegoat’s Cross, in the group. I’m very happy to see this new material being put to such good use so soon.

In her comments about my book, Rebecca said:

What a treat to read such an authentic and heartfelt book. Through the use of poetry Belden tells his story of growing up with an abusive father. Belden allows the reader an insight into his heart and takes us along in his struggles to claim a conscious manhood. If you are looking for pretty poetry, this isn’t the book. This is raw, truthful, and captures both the darkness and the lightness of meeting one’s past. While Iron Man Family Outing may seem to be for men, it helped me as a woman have a better understanding of what men may be going through within themselves.

You can read her full post in its entirety at The Mindful Beat.

Rick Belden is a fellow Austinite who has written a book, Iron Man Family Outing, of healing poetry about his own personal journey of growing up male in American society. His poetry is moving and poignant. His descriptions of his family, himself and his relationships strike a chord with everyone with whom I’ve shared them. I highly recommend this book.

You can read her full post in its entirety at Kellevision and also at Kellen’s blog at Intent.com.

Kellen’s recent post “Making Yourself a Target: Replicating the Scapegoat Role in Your Life – How to Stop Doing It” is yet another insightful entry in her excellent ongoing series on the the role of the scapegoat in dysfunctional family systems. This is a subject that deserves far more attention than it gets, in my opinion. I’m grateful to Kellen for shedding some light on the experience and the dynamics of the scapegoat role, and for providing practical, helpful information for those who need it.

today I don’t poison myself for a pension
today I don’t soil my spirit
today I don’t split my soul.

yesterday I was
lightning in a bottle
a watermelon on the vine
a rocket on the pad.

today I’m a rusty old pile of railroad spikes
tossed together in a heap by the tracks
wondering why the trains don’t come anymore.

today I’m quiet
today I don’t speak
today I listen.

today I walk the circle
that leads to the center
from the outside
to the inside
and back again.

today I know that I’m only a sparkle of sunlight
shimmering on the surface of an ageless sea
today I hear the blade cutter in the distance
but I know it’s not for me
today I know the scariest thing I’ve ever known
that I can’t make my life
the life I thought it would be
not today
maybe tomorrow
but not today.

(PDF version)

* Jason Fierstein of Phoenix Men’s Counseling praised the book’s “use of metaphor” and said the “poems are very transformational, and really give a voice to the modern male experience – one which is frequently (and unfortunately) not discussed.”

* Jack Kammer of The Center for Men and Boys in Social Policy commented on the isolation many men feel with their so-called “personal problems” and said the book “makes it unmistakably clear that any man who sometimes feels alienated from his best hopes and from his own, best, most cherished view of himself is most decidedly not alone.”

* Life/Executive Coach Sean Casey LeClaire said that “Belden explores the shadow side of the male journey” and added that the book “comes at a wonderful time, as millions of men find themselves without work … the opportunity to face themselves with courage and decency, which Rick’s poems do, is most timely.”

The complete archive of reviews for the book is available at http://rickbelden.com/reviews.

A few highlights from recently posted reviews:

* Dr. Martin Srajek, Director of the Center for Men and Masculinity, wrote an expansive review that provides one of the most thorough, nuanced commentaries on the book to date.

* Graeme Daniels of Self in Addiction wrote a detailed, perceptive review that included specific comments on some of the individual poems. Graeme also posted some additional review comments on the book and on specific poems in the reader reviews section of this blog.

* Tom Golden of Crisis, Grief, and Healing emphasized that the book’s portrayal of “the masculine style of healing through creativity” provides useful insights for women as well as for men.

The complete archive of reviews for the book is available at http://rickbelden.com/reviews.

I’m a spiritual child who grows up
being told + shown that
god is just a sunday morning pain in the ass
waiting for me to screw up
so he can rip my life to shreds.

I’m a passionate child who grows up
being told + shown that
feelings are unacceptable + dangerous
to myself + others.

I’m a creative child who grows up
being told + shown that
adults don’t have time to be creative.

I’m an honest child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’m always supposed to tell the truth but
it’s usually safer + more acceptable to lie.

I’m an independent child who grows up
being told + shown that
going my own way leads to rejection + disaster.

I’m an intuitive child who grows up
being told + shown that
I need a logical justification for
everything I do say + feel.

I’m a smiling child who grows up
being told + shown that
laughter is the best medicine but
happy people usually get punished somehow.

I’m an energetic child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’m not doing enough because I’m lazy.

I’m a gifted child who grows up
being told + shown that
my contributions aren’t very important in this world.

I’m a curious child who grows up
being told + shown that
self-awareness endangers the family
so I’d better not question things too much.

I’m a patient child who grows up
being told + shown that
there’s not enough time
I’m going too slow
everyone’s tired of waiting for me.

I’m a bright child who grows up
being told + shown that
the brain is where it’s at but
people who make a living with their brains
are lazy bastards.

I’m a trusting child who grows up
being told + shown that
I don’t deserve to be trusted + trust
opens the door to abuse.

I’m a hopeful child who grows up
being told + shown that
life is a series of unhappy events + disasters
so don’t expect too much.

I’m an innocent child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’m a bad boy + I oughta be ashamed of myself.

I’m an open-hearted child who grows up
being told + shown that
I’ll never be good enough
I’ll never be loved enough
I’ll never be man enough.

I’m a sad frightened
lonely needy
raging hurting child.

(PDF version)

spirituality is a vibrant awakening consciousness
a deep and present awareness of ourselves
of everyone and everything around us
it’s knowing that our words and our actions matter
even when no one hears and no one sees
it’s listening to the heart and the mind and the body
to moon stars sun and trees
to wind fire rain and earth
to animals and plants
to dreams and daydreams
to grief and anger and hunger and sex
to all of the feelings we’ve been told not to have
and all of the thoughts we’ve been taught not to think
in the right balance
in the right time.

spirituality demands critical thinking
it requires curiosity
a desire to know what’s real
a willingness to strip off conditioned patterns of perception and habit and belief
layer by layer
regardless of personal cost
because otherwise
truth and truthfulness are lost.

spirituality is facing the mysteries of life and death
without hiding from questions that cannot be answered
and without the comfort of tall tales passed down through a million dark nights
it’s knowing that we are not alone
because we’re all here together
and it’s all up to us
together.

(PDF version)

I encountered the seed of this process in a magazine article (now long lost) many years ago. I took what I saw and developed it into a practice that I used and found helpful for several years. My belief system has since shifted in such a way that this process no longer feels like a good fit for me, but there may be others who are in the right place to gain something from using it.

I’ll say up front that I have no belief in any deity or deities, and haven’t for a long time, but I’ve always believed and still believe that there is divinity in all things. This sort of thinking would probably attract scorn from theologians and atheologians alike. So it goes.

Given that context, I’ve always seen the process I’m about to describe more as a meditative exercise in building focus and awareness than as an appeal to any sort of supernatural force, although I can’t completely rule out the possibility of ripple effects in this big pool of energy in which we’re all swimming, or even the hidden hand of some bigger fish (do fish have hands?).

From my perspective, prayer works primarily as a meditative and psychological conditioning process. It can be used to explore existing patterns of thought and perception, as well as to reinforce, shift, or replace them. I don’t see anything inherently magical or supernatural about it. I also thought, and still think, that there’s a good deal of potential consciousness-transforming power available to us in universal spiritual archetypes; whether one believes in their literal existence or not, these patterns embody and express energies and forces that are ancient and deeply authentic in the human psyche.

I’m presenting this information informally, more or less as I wrote it up for a friend several years ago. This was the process I used; adapt as needed to make it yours. And remember: this is not magic, it’s not magical thinking, and it’s not that heinous mass marketing mindscrew known as “The Secret”. This process may help you get a result you want or need; it may not. But if you pay attention as the forty day cycle unfolds, you may find that getting what you thought you wanted or needed was never the real point anyway.

As with many meditation practices, the core of the Forty Day Prayer practice is very simple. But there are some things you’ll need to know in order to get it right. I’m also going to include some info from my personal experience that may be helpful. So here goes …

The basic template for the Forty Day Prayer, as I’ve practiced it, is:

“In the name of Jesus the Christ, thank you that ________________, if it be Thy will.”

The phrasing used has three important components and all must be present:

1) “In the name of Jesus the Christ, …”

This is your call to Spirit, higher forces (internal or external), what have you, in whatever form you find appropriate for yourself. I’ve used this phrasing, even though I’m not a Christian, with something along the lines of the ideal frequently labeled as Christ Consciousness in mind. I can imagine that other folks might invoke the Great Spirit, Higher Power, or some other beneficent spiritual entity if that is more suited to their beliefs.

2) “… thank you that ________________, …”

Fill in the blank with a core phrase that expresses what you hope to create, resolve, or receive in your life during the next forty days. It’s very important that you state it in the present tense, as if you already have it and are expressing your gratitude for having it. This helps condition your mind to receive it, and perhaps more importantly, activates your creative power to manifest it.

3) “… if it be Thy will.”

Not everything our conscious mind desires is in our best interest at the soul level. This last bit acknowledges that we are not always the best and final judges of what life should bring us. Sometimes there is something else at work in life that takes precedence over what appears to us to be our most obvious need at the time.

In order to begin the process, you first have to identify the core phrase that goes in the blank. For example, if you were having a problem with your stomach, you might use something like:

“In the name of Jesus the Christ, thank you that my stomach is healthy and clear of any dysfunction, if it be Thy will.”

Another more general possibility might be:

“In the name of Jesus the Christ, thank you that I have all the help I need to heal my stomach issues, if it be Thy will”

How you arrive at the core phrase you’re going to use is up to you. In my case, it often just comes to me while I’m walking. I typically don’t make changes to my core phrase once I’ve started the forty day cycle, unless something compelling comes up. Even then, it’s usually only the addition or the rearrangement of a word or two. Best to pick something concise that you’re comfortable saying, ’cause you’re going to say it 240 times over the next forty days: three times every morning and three times every night.

Once I have my prayer in mind, I write it down on a small piece of notebook paper that I can tuck under my pillow. Each morning when I wake up I say it three times before I get out of bed. Each evening I say it three times just before I go to sleep. I keep track by marking off the days (one through forty) on the back of the piece of paper that has the prayer written on it.

It’s probably best if you can focus on the words as you say them (visualize, etc.), but a lot of the time all I can manage to do is recite the words without a lot of thought behind it. This doesn’t seem to hurt the process, in my experience. To the contrary, I think this is part of the process. It’s a very interesting exercise in self-observation to notice, over the course of forty days and forty nights, the different mental states in which I find myself when I recite the prayer … at times feeling very connected to the words, at times not. Because the words don’t change, it tends to draw my attention to what does change from day to day: my emotional and mental states and how those states affect my relationship to the words.

All of this sounds easy, right? Well, here’s the only tricky part:

If you miss a morning or an evening, you have to start the whole cycle all over again, from day one.

This is why I put the piece of paper with the prayer on it under my pillow. I’m most likely to forget to do the prayer in the morning (and I have), but since I make my bed every morning, I always find the prayer right under my pillow when I make the bed if I’ve forgotten and I don’t miss a day.

You’ll have to find your own best way to remind yourself, but I suggest you choose a strategy up front, because I can almost guarantee that something (your mind or your life) will intrude at some point and make you forgetful. And who wants to start over on day 39? Not me!

Once you’ve begun the forty day cycle, try to observe things in kind of a neutral way as you go along and see if anything begins to change around the issue you’ve chosen. Things may improve or they may seem to get worse. Maybe it will appear that nothing at all is happening. But no matter what happens, finish the cycle. Keep your commitment to yourself, to the issue, and to the process. You may notice a real difference by the end of the cycle. Something surprising may have happened. Or it may appear that nothing has happened, and you may not realize the effects until you can look back on it later in a fuller context.

I believe this practice works. I was very skeptical at first (as I tend to be with most things of this nature) but my overall experience, having used this about two dozen times in the last 5-6 years, is that it works, in some cases quite dynamically and in others very subtly.

Here’s a quick review of the practice:

1) Design your prayer using the template, with all three parts as described above.
2) Develop a memory aid (such as putting the prayer under your pillow) to remind you if you forget to say your prayer.
3) Recite the prayer three times each morning before rising and three times each evening prior to sleep for forty days.
4) Observe any changes that might relate to the issue, but finish the whole forty day cycle, no matter what (even if the problem seems to be resolved).
5) If you miss a morning or an evening, start over from day one.

I hope I haven’t made this sound too complicated or like too much work, because it is neither, especially considering the potential benefits. But you do have to be consistent and pay attention if you want to get something out of it.

god is a school bus full of strangers
a sixty on the test
a dad who’s always pissed
a mom with scar tissue.

god is a prison guard with rheumatic fever
a flying squirrel in a cage
a deformed colt in a field
a member of the john birch society.

god still lives with his parents
he fights with his brother over pigs
drives a milk truck on saturday to make ends meet
makes me wear an athletic supporter
watches hee-haw and listens to country music
on the radio.

god has a workshop in the basement
he picks the dump and smokes white owls
takes his teeth out when he eats
makes me cry in front of the whole class
stands in our driveway and tells my dad
he’s no good.

god wants to punish me for something I didn’t do.

(PDF version)