One of the exercises I use in trainings for therapists is to ask the audience to imagine they are going to dinner at their favorite restaurant. Give them a second to imagine that scene and then suggest they are being seated and as they walk to their table they see a woman who is crying over at a corner table. Ask them what their response is to her and then ask why they think she might have been crying. Invariably people will chime in and say things like “poor dear,” “she’s upset,” “she needs support,” “she probably just broke up with her boyfriend,” etc. There is usually a friendly and concerned tone to their responses.

Then I ask that they erase that image and go back to walking in the restaurant and being seated. Then I tell them that in the same corner table there is a man who is crying. What is their response to him and why do they think he might be crying? Usually the response is that he is likely drunk, that he is to be avoided, and that there is likely something wrong with him! LOL. Steer clear of that guy. People are usually fairly shocked at their own bias and they start to get a sense of the sort of minefield that men face in this sort of situation.

I really love this. If the dramatic contrast in reactions to the two situations doesn’t turn on some light bulbs in the audience, then the power must be off.

Here’s another excellent, thought-provoking little piece from Tom on the subject of men and crying:

“A Man’s Tears and His Family”

Great stuff and such an important topic, for men and women alike. For more information about Tom Golden and his work, you can visit his website, webhealing.com.

but our little house of lies isn’t big enough to hold us now
she won’t stand up for herself + I can’t stand up
for both of us at the same time anymore
so we ride the broken lover’s seesaw of staying + leaving
one foot in + one foot out
we dance in the kitchen like unloved children + wait
for fulfillment of old pain’s expectations.

so anxious to leave
so anxious to be left
so anxious to be right
so anxious to be hurt
so anxious to be disappointed
so anxious to be alone again.

when this whole thing started
I wanted us to be immersed in each other
I wanted us to fix each other
I thought that was what people were supposed to do
I don’t want that anymore
I don’t need that anymore
but I still don’t know
how to love someone I don’t want to fix.

(PDF version | Video version)