My poem “reverie” is the featured “Poem of the Issue” in this week’s edition of The Austin Chronicle. This one is just about a month old, although I actually started it in January 2010. Started it, got stuck, forgot about it, and then picked it back up and finished it about 18 months later. Very unusual for me to do that. Usually, if I don’t wrap ‘em up within a day or two, the moment passes and that’s the end of it.

I’m always looking for her. Always. I seem them everywhere, but not her. Did she already pass through my life and I missed her somehow? From a purely statistical standpoint, I know that if I counted up all the relationships, love affairs, dates, crushes, friendships, random encounters, near misses, and failed attempts, those numbers alone would lead me to the conclusion that I should have found her by now.

The numbers, oh the numbers. Much of the time now I feel like there isn’t room for even one more woman in my head, much less my heart. Where do I put them all? Every woman I’ve ever wanted, touched, felt, loved is still with me, even the ones I think I’ve forgotten. I add to the list every time I’m in the grocery store. “I want her and her and her …” But I don’t really want her and her and her. I never did. I want the only one I’ve ever wanted. I want her.

A week or so ago, during one of my drawing sessions, I found myself drawing one page after another of old girlfriends. Some of them anyway. It would’ve taken a lot more time than I had that morning to draw a page for all of them.

I suppose it would actually be more accurate to characterize the subject of this drawing as a near-girlfriend than as a girlfriend. That “girlfriend or not” line was more than a little fuzzy more than a few times with more than a few women. In this particular case, the fuse was lit and all engines were firing but the rocket never left the launch pad. The mission was aborted (not by me) before takeoff due to extra-relational complications (not mine).

Every time I hear the old Cars tune “Drive” (which was big at the time as well as apropos to the situation) I think of her. Kinda wish I didn’t. Not a great outcome for me. Most of ‘em weren’t. The next one was a helluva lot worse.

dark-eyed luxury
brilliant hourglass
plush warm lovely
forgotten dream.

forgotten dream
forgotten worlds
forgotten self
forgotten need.

she is jungle
she is ocean
she is starlight
she is music.

glorious illusion
forbidden treasure
holographic past
someone else’s present.

with her I want
with her I remember
but wanting is not having
and remembering is not being.

(PDF version)

Today’s poem on video, “wild cactus dancer”, is from part three (“intimacy and illusion”) of my upcoming book Scapegoat’s Cross: Poems about Finding and Reclaiming the Lost Man Within.

It didn’t take me a long time to write this one, but it took me about fifteen years to get ready to write it.

For more poetry on video, visit my YouTube channel at http://www.youtube.com/user/rickbeldenpoet.

(PDF version)

knock me out
I mean you
knock me out
I mean you
crank me up
I mean you
scare me baby but
I’m alive and I can
take it.

(PDF version)

silver blue moon

alone …
together …
alone …
together …

waves lap the shores of a silver blue moon
too soon to tell if I will love you

but time knows the answer.

(PDF version)

stubborn and impatient
breasts like perfect teardrops
voracious wounded heart
swinging from man to man.

my love for you was animal fierce
and gravity absolute
heart love
brain love
beast love
soul love
you had me all the way
my life was bound to yours
every cell in my body
ate and drank and wept and slept with you
you swept through me like a blizzard
I wanted no one else.

I knew you before I knew you
we gave birth to one another
we howled together on hillsides in the dark
we flowed out of volcanoes hand in hand
burning everything in our path
merging and cooling
into lakes of glassy black diamonds.

I would’ve stood in the sun for you
until I burst into flames
I would’ve stood in the wind for you
until I was blown to pieces
but it wasn’t enough.

someone put a little black hole in your heart
I thought I could fill it up
I tried but I couldn’t
you needed more than I could give you
you could never believe that I loved you
no matter what I said
no matter what I did
you never knew
how completely
I adored you.

(PDF version | Video version)

sitting with me
going nowhere
momentary heat connection
somewhat real and
somewhat fake
intersecting intersections
flashing lights in
frozen lake.

party girl
needs a husband
party boy
needs to last
both of us are underwater
both of us are
fading fast.

(PDF version)

As a man in his early 50s who’s been single for a long time, I’ve encountered an enormous number of women who are frustrated by their lack of success in finding a “good man.” I’ve also found that many of these women (and I’m talking about women who are independent, intelligent, and capable) have ridiculous expectations that many men simply cannot satisfy.

Women who are 5’2″ are “looking for a good man” who’s at least 5’10″. Women who make 50K a year are “looking for a good man” who makes at least 75K. Women who make 75K a year are “looking for a good man” who makes at least 100K. And so on.

Many of the single women I’ve met who are “looking for a good man” have also demonstrated an almost pathological degree of self-centered behavior. I recently had a 45 minute phone conversation with a woman I met through a dating website. It was our very first call. She talked about herself the entire time and never asked even a single question about me. When I ended the conversation, she wanted to know if I was going to call her again. When I said no, she sounded disappointed and confused.

I wish I could say that the experience was unusual, but it wasn’t. I’ve literally lost count of the number of times in the last ten years that I’ve had a prolonged “conversation” with a single woman who talked non-stop about herself the entire time, without missing a beat and without showing even a flicker of interest in me beyond my role as a receiver for her egocentric broadcast.

I’ve also noticed that many of the women I’ve met who just can’t find a “good man” are quite comfortable going on about what rotten, useless idiots men are. One single woman I know would positively light up with enthusiasm, bordering on joy, when telling me about getting together with her female friends (married and single) to laugh about the moronic antics of their clownish, clueless husbands and boyfriends. I cannot recall, nor can I imagine, ever getting together with any of my male friends to laugh it up about how stupid and deficient the women in our lives are. Nor would I want to.

This same woman plowed through bodice-ripper romance novels as fast as she could turn the pages and once asked me if I thought she should get back together with an ex who’d previously cheated on her twice. She considered me boring and once told me I was “abnormally sensitive” (not a compliment). She also told me I was obviously unable to commit to a relationship because I didn’t have any plants or pets in my home at the time, one of many “facts” about men that she frequently cited from the “Venus and Mars” school of self-help books she regularly read along with the romance novels.

I agree, and always have agreed, with what Kellen said in her post:

A good man needs a good woman to stand beside and work with him to build their life together.

What I want, what I’ve always wanted, is a partner and a peer. Two equals who work together, as individuals and as a couple, for the betterment of both. And I’ve always assumed that women wanted the same thing. However, I’ve come to the unfortunate conclusion, based on my inherently limited experience as one person, that there are an awful lot of women out there who believe a man’s function in a relationship is to take care of and entertain them.

The profiles I see on dating websites consistently emphasize three qualities that women in their 40s and early 50s are seeking in men: security, excitement, and fun. You must be successful. You must love your job. You must be financially secure. You must be in great shape and a good dancer. You must wine and dine. You must be well-traveled and available for frequent vacation trips to multiple destinations, domestic and international. You must be sensitive when she needs you to be and “manly” the rest of the time. You must defer when she feels like making decisions and “take charge” when she doesn’t. And of course, you must be at least 5’10″ to satisfy the requirements of even the most diminutive heightists. (The average height for an adult male in the United States is 5’9″. I’m 5’8″.)

In the real world, many good men are not 5’10″. In the real world, many good men demonstrate their capacity for commitment every day by doing jobs they don’t like because they don’t have, or don’t know, another way to make a living. They’re not in great shape and they’re trying to do something about it, but it’s not as easy as it used to be. They live quiet lives and they can’t dance worth a lick. They’d love to enjoy expensive meals, expensive clothes, expensive concerts, and expensive trips here and there, but they’re trying to live within their means and save some money for a retirement that may never come.

In the real world, good men have financial issues, health issues, family issues, emotional issues, you name it … just like women do. They’re pressed for time. They’re stressed at work. They’re doing their best just to hang in there sometimes. They want to do better, to be better, and they’re trying. They’re works in progress … just like women are.

For those of us who are unable to make ourselves taller, richer, more “successful” or more “interesting/exciting” the prospects can appear rather dim. I can’t know for sure, but I suspect that a lot of “good men” are simply taking themselves out of the game these days for that very reason. I know I have. I’ve been trying to get back in there again, but it sure hasn’t been going very well so far.

Do I sound frustrated? I am. I know there must be single, attractive, available, self-aware, self-possessed women out there, maybe lots of them, who don’t fit the profile I’ve been describing in this post, but for whatever reason, I’m not meeting them. I’m still hoping to find one, but optimism is wearing thin as the years (and the one-sided conversations) wear on.

Addendum: Shortly after I wrote this post, a trusted female friend advised me that I should list my height as at least 5’9″ on dating websites because all of the single women she knows assume that men are lying about their heights in their profiles. Therefore, listing my true height (5’8″) would lead these women to believe that I’m actually shorter than I am.

So in order to appear attractive, I have to lie, because the women looking at my profile will assume I’m lying. I wonder if women assume men are lying about their incomes as well. And who knows what else.

This is insane. Is this really how men and women want to interact with one another?

Thanks to my friend Jack Kammer for encouraging me to publish this post.

there are four volcanoes nearby
in various stages of eruption and
pre-eruption.

one of them has a restaurant atop the crater
people are still there eating.

I can’t believe they haven’t left yet.

(PDF version)

temptation + obligation (firetrap dream #2)

I’m sitting between two women
the woman on my right is my girlfriend
the woman on my left is a friend of hers
her friend is incredibly warm + sexy.

we’re sitting on top of a bus
the bus is parked on the side of the street
we’re watching people come back from fighting the fire
it’s like a parade.

her friend starts
coming on to me
flirting with me
she asks me what my birthstone is
she tells me
how attractive I am
how much sexual power she feels around me
she begins to kiss the side of my face
her lips are warm full + soft
I like it.

my girlfriend starts to get upset
in her usual restrained way
I’m really leaning on her + now
her friend’s really leaning on me + I feel like
this isn’t fair to my girlfriend at all.

(PDF version)

I watched the empty branches
sway and wave at me
in the cold blue sky
clear blue and still
like the eyes I still love
eyes I remember
from this life and others
eyes I remember
and won’t see again.

(PDF version)

Rick’s work, if it is anything, is transformative. It holds out in optimism that by courageously facing the child we were, we can create a more rewarding future for the adult we want to become.

You can read his full post in its entirety at Men’s Well-Being.

In other “IMFO in the UK” news, another counselor based in the United Kingdom, John Kennett of Kent Counselling for Men, recently added Iron Man Family Outing to his Amazon UK Listmania list “Men, masculinity and maturity”, describing the book as a “raw and powerful means of accessing the inaccessible.”

In response to this recent UK news, a friend remarked to me via email, “I do think it is great that Iron Man is offered for sale in English pounds.” I have to agree.

I’ve posted some preview material on my web site at rickbelden.com/new_book, including an excerpt from the introduction and some of the poems that appear in the book.

I’m also making preview copies of the complete manuscript available to those who’d like an early look. Please see rickbelden.com/new_book for information about getting a preview copy.

The group will do a small amount of reading each week from writings by David Deida, Rick Belden, Chogyam Trungpa and others as a starting point for seeing our full role in the world. These writings have very different takes on the journey, and we will work with their ideas to find our own path.

Click here to read the full announcement about the group.

This group, which will be held at Sol Associates in Austin, looks like it will be a great opportunity for everyone who attends, and I’m honored that some of my work will be included as a resource for the group.

For additional information, contact group facilitators Steve Milan and Shelley Imholte.

Update (09/04/09): I’ve been informed that the facilitators of this group will also be using material from my new, yet-to-be-published book, Scapegoat’s Cross, in the group. I’m very happy to see this new material being put to such good use so soon.

In her comments about my book, Rebecca said:

What a treat to read such an authentic and heartfelt book. Through the use of poetry Belden tells his story of growing up with an abusive father. Belden allows the reader an insight into his heart and takes us along in his struggles to claim a conscious manhood. If you are looking for pretty poetry, this isn’t the book. This is raw, truthful, and captures both the darkness and the lightness of meeting one’s past. While Iron Man Family Outing may seem to be for men, it helped me as a woman have a better understanding of what men may be going through within themselves.

You can read her full post in its entirety at The Mindful Beat.

Rick Belden is a fellow Austinite who has written a book, Iron Man Family Outing, of healing poetry about his own personal journey of growing up male in American society. His poetry is moving and poignant. His descriptions of his family, himself and his relationships strike a chord with everyone with whom I’ve shared them. I highly recommend this book.

You can read her full post in its entirety at Kellevision and also at Kellen’s blog at Intent.com.

Kellen’s recent post “Making Yourself a Target: Replicating the Scapegoat Role in Your Life – How to Stop Doing It” is yet another insightful entry in her excellent ongoing series on the the role of the scapegoat in dysfunctional family systems. This is a subject that deserves far more attention than it gets, in my opinion. I’m grateful to Kellen for shedding some light on the experience and the dynamics of the scapegoat role, and for providing practical, helpful information for those who need it.

* Jason Fierstein of Phoenix Men’s Counseling praised the book’s “use of metaphor” and said the “poems are very transformational, and really give a voice to the modern male experience – one which is frequently (and unfortunately) not discussed.”

* Jack Kammer of The Center for Men and Boys in Social Policy commented on the isolation many men feel with their so-called “personal problems” and said the book “makes it unmistakably clear that any man who sometimes feels alienated from his best hopes and from his own, best, most cherished view of himself is most decidedly not alone.”

* Life/Executive Coach Sean Casey LeClaire said that “Belden explores the shadow side of the male journey” and added that the book “comes at a wonderful time, as millions of men find themselves without work … the opportunity to face themselves with courage and decency, which Rick’s poems do, is most timely.”

The complete archive of reviews for the book is available at http://rickbelden.com/reviews.

but our little house of lies isn’t big enough to hold us now
she won’t stand up for herself + I can’t stand up
for both of us at the same time anymore
so we ride the broken lover’s seesaw of staying + leaving
one foot in + one foot out
we dance in the kitchen like unloved children + wait
for fulfillment of old pain’s expectations.

so anxious to leave
so anxious to be left
so anxious to be right
so anxious to be hurt
so anxious to be disappointed
so anxious to be alone again.

when this whole thing started
I wanted us to be immersed in each other
I wanted us to fix each other
I thought that was what people were supposed to do
I don’t want that anymore
I don’t need that anymore
but I still don’t know
how to love someone I don’t want to fix.

(PDF version | Video version)